Some guys naturally have confidence with girls, but for the average guy just talking to a cute girl can be nerve-racking. In this article I’m going to debunk some myths about confidence, and how a guy can truly develop confidence with girls.
Confidence is often misunderstood. Often when we someone who looks confident isn’t really thinking confidently. Internally, confidence is the expectation of success, of a positive outcome. But externally, confidence looks like calm focus. Interestingly, when someone is simply focused on a task, they externally look calmly focused as well.
So having a present task focus looks the same as confidence. And this is why we commonly mistake focus for confidence. Think about the most confident looking guys – professional athletes. I always picture Michael Jordan because I’m an 80’s baby. I remember a video I had about MJ’s life story that I watched every day as a kid. In one of the interviews he said that on some nights, the basket looked like a “big ol’ bucket, and every shot was easy.” But he made it clear this was the exception, when he was in the zone. Most of the time, MJ was just extremely focused on his job – keep moving, get free, line up, and aim for the back of the rim.
In interviews with athletes, reporters always ask the same questions:
What were you thinking going into the game? Did you expect to win? What was your strategy?
And always, athletes say the same thing:
I knew what I had to do to win. I knew that if we worked hard, and played our game (i.e. stayed focused) we’d have a good chance. We did our job today and came away with the win.
Notice how there is NO expectation of success, just focus on the task at hand. Also, credit is given to the team, not taken for oneself. This illustrates my point about how “confidence” often is really task-focus, but it also shows what task focus is all about – team work.
Effective leaders, and successful people in general, are team-oriented. They don’t take credit, they give it, because they know that they are stronger when their team is strong. A true leader wants to get the best out of others. Think about how this applies to social interactions. If you want to look confident, don’t try to trick yourself into expecting a positive outcome. Instead, stay focused on the task at hand. And what is the task? Building your team by drawing out the best in others.
A guy who has confidence with girls thinks the same way, because he is not trying to prove himself. Instead he wants to find out if the girl worth his while, and the best way to get her to demonstrate her value is by making her feel confident in herself.
Occasionally you will fall into “the zone” and feel like you’re “on.” But don’t count on it. Over time, you’ll find yourself in the zone more often as you gain experience with girls. Truly you’ll expect a positive result, and this is when you’ll have confidence with girls.
The reason why I advocate focus over confidence is that it’s the easiest way to get the immediate positive feedback that gradually snowballs into positive beliefs. If you are nervous around girls, but can focus on making the next girl you see smile, and you succeed, this will start a feedback loop. Just like a snowball rolls down a snow-covered hill gaining size and momentum, a belief that women like you and that you are attractive starts with small successes. Over time, these successful experiences become embedded in your perception of reality. You begin to expect success.
But these successes, these small positive reactions from girls, require focus. Focus is how to move past your fear and execute your goal. You see a cute girl and feel butterflies, but you focus on making the girl feel good about herself. You tell her she looks cute today, or something equally light and complimentary. This makes her feel confident with you and she will open up and talk more freely. This is what you want. On top of this, she perceives you as having confidence with girls, and we all know that confidence is the first thing women list when they describe what attracts them to a guy.
So not only does she feel great, an attractive guy gave her this feeling, and she is motivated to direct her expression towards you. This is a positive, sexually charged interaction begins. And remember – even thought it appears that you have confidence with girls, all you’re really doing is focusing as a leader, on the task at hand, which means building the confidence of others.
Most guys are waiting for that magical day when they have confidence with girls. Maybe you’re waiting for the day when you have a nicer car, more money, a cooler job, better clothes, bigger muscles, or whatever. The bottom line is confidence with anything takes time to develop. You WILL NOT be confident from the start. But the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll have confidence with girls. It’s crucial that you give yourself time to learn and develop. If you avoid approaching girls for fear of making a mistake or embarrassing yourself, you will never progress. In fact, it’s the mistakes and embarrassment that give you confidence, because you soon realize that failure doesn’t really hurt you.
Your fear goes away once you realize that rejection is not that big of a deal. You can read this a million times, but you must see for yourself to believe it. As you lose your fear, your focus and actions become more powerful. This will result in more positive reactions from girls, reducing your fear even more. In fact, you can think about confidence as a total lack of fear. You don’t expect to lose. But you don’t necessarily expect to win. You focus on the task at hand: giving confidence to others. And this how guys think when they have confidence with girls.