Fear and arousal lie on opposing sides of the slippery slope that is a woman’s sexuality. She secretly simmers inside, waiting to be ignited by the right man.

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Sex itself is what turns women on

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Women love sex, and see it as a healthy, fun way to connect with a man. A man who knows this naturally understands what turns women on – sexuality itself.

Not only do women love sex, but I’d say they are actually more adventurous and kinky than men, in general. If you’ve ever read Nancy Friday’s book, My Secret Garden, you know what I’m talking about. What turns women on, compared to men, is  more varied and extreme. This isn’t to say women always want to carry out their fantasies. Quite the opposite, which is what makes fantasy what turns women on and is so exciting.

In real life, she may not want to actually be bent over by a faceless man in a crowded stadium, or kneel under a podium and give a blowjob to a powerful man giving a speech to a full auditorium (these are both common fantasies I’ve heard women describe). But in her mind, a woman is safe to explore ideas, and it’s this safety that allows her to indulge in her fantasies and get really turned on.

What turns a woman on, usually, IS ideas. The way inside a woman is through her mind.

I’ve also found that what a woman will do in real life depends on the man she’s with. If I convey that I’m sexual and non-judgmental, she’ll be much wilder with me than other guys.

Women often tell me, “I never did that before!”

I’ll ask, “You never did that with your boyfriend?”

The response is usually, “No, he wasn’t the kind of guy I’d do that with.”

I’m not the safe, cute boyfriend, who expects her to be a good girl. I’m the wild, sexual guy – a naughty adventure,. When a woman is with me, she’s on a vacation from her life, where different rules apply. She’s allowed to do that kinky shit she’s always wanted to do, but feared judgment from the men she’s been with.

What turns a woman on is freedom to be who she really is inside.

This article is not about women’s sexual fantasies, or being “that guy.” I only bring these topics up to introduce to male readers how incredibly sexual women are. Each woman you meet is truly a wild woman –  a hot-blooded slut waiting to for the freedom and safety to come out of hiding.

The secret world of a woman’s mind is a sexual playground. But she must hide this, sometimes even from  her closest friends. A woman’s sexuality is wonderful, but also vulnerable and sacred. She must diligently protect her body, her social reputation, and her self-esteem.

A woman’s mind truly is a secret garden, and she can’t let just anyone come in and carelessly trample all over the flowers. The garden must be protected for many reasons and that’s my goal for this article – to help men understand the dynamics of female sexuality more deeply and holistically.

It took me a long time to see the obvious: for me, sex carries little physical risk. If I have unprotected sex, I risk contracting an STD, but even then, a woman has a much higher chance of contraction, because of the physical nature of intercourse. She is the one being penetrated and ejaculated into. I’m sure you know how sex works, but have you ever thought about how the physical dynamics of intercourse make her thought processes different from yours?

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What turns women on is different from men

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Evolutionarily, sex is a risk for a woman. Here is a list of the risks women take sexually.

(It’s important to understand that although some of these risks are not as much of an issue today, we are still using hardware from approximately 150-20,000 years ago. Our brains have not had time to change to the degree society has. Culture changes fast, but biology evolves slowly. Very slowly. 10,000 years of civilization is a blink compared to millions of years of evolution).

Risks associated with sex, for women (evolutionarily):

• Death at childbirth (common for mother and child for much of human history)
• Several months (2nd-3rd trimester) of physical handicap, carrying a fetus inside her body
• Several years carrying the responsibility to care for her child
• Contracting an STD
• Physical pain, especially if sex is against her will
• Loss of social reputation, leading to possible ostracization (which meant certain death before civilization)
• Emotional pain if she is abandoned by the man after sex
• Deeper emotional pain if she is gets pregnant and is abandoned

Risks for men:

• Contracting an STD
• Potentially breaking a sweat

It’s a wonder women want to have sex at all. But in fact they do – very much so. And this is a subtle but important point – women are still very horny despite all these risks. A woman’s sexuality is so powerful that it overrides all the risks she is taking. But this desire doesn’t negate her fear. Fear and desire coexist in women, and this accounts for the often ambiguous, and seemingly-illogical way women act about sex. What turns women on is very different from men, but it makes perfect sense.

What turns women on? sex and surrender – who she really is.

There is an even deeper level of fear associated with sex, beyond the physical and emotional risks. For a woman, sex is surrender. She is giving up control of her body. As her body is surrendered, so is her mind. She is letting go. This is what turns women on.

I’ve found that the more relaxed a woman is with me, the more she can let go of control and surrender to me. The more she can surrender, the more pleasure she experiences. It sometimes seems like a transcendent experience for my woman. She relaxes in her helplessness, unconscious in ecstasy. It’s as if I’m fucking all the thoughts and fears out of her mind; she only FEELS waves of pleasure surging through her body.

But I am in total control, totally conscious and attentive as I hold her, taste her, thrust into her. I am completely focused on how beautiful and feminine she is. I savor her softness, her curves, her smell, her wetness for me. I don’t want to miss a thing.

I feel turned on by seeing her turned on. My arousal is expressed through my control of her and my penetration of her. This is how I enjoy her. The stronger and more passionately I hold her and thrust into her, the more she surrenders and allows herself to be subject to my love.

Understand this: surrender means letting go of control. The act of letting go turns women on.

Loss of control is the cause of emotional trauma.

When a woman is raped, and goes into a deep depression, it’s because she feels helpless. Her sense of self-ownership has been negated. Her body is not hers to control, or even to give away. If someone could take her body away from her once, it could hypothetically happen again at any time.

What most guys don’t know is that sexual trauma is actually a common female experience. If a woman hasn’t been outright assaulted at some point in her life (which most have), she has at least experienced leering, harassment, and manipulation from men, on a regular basis…all her life. I’ve been aggressively leered at by gay men a handful of times, and it wasn’t flattering. I’m not homophobic in the least, and I’m flattered if a gay guy tells me I’m handsome or whatever. But the focused sexual attention, devoid of any love, made me really nervous, even on a public street.

This ongoing, subtle trauma has a huge psychological impact over time, affecting a woman’s very identity. Often a girl’s sense of self-ownership – of autonomy and free will – diminishes and distorts as she grows into a woman.

Compounding this is the emotional pain women commonly experience when they have sex with a guy who then stops calling and cuts off contact. Being abandoned after sex is very, very painful for a woman. As women get older, they take men’s promises with a grain of salt, and get somewhat desensitized to the “hit it and quit it” routine. But for younger women, being abandoned by a guy  after sleeping with him is traumatic and has a powerful impact on her perception of men and sex. Since intimacy itself is what turns women on, this creates an ambiguity about men that she wasn’t born with.

None of what I’ve said is to make you feel guilty. The opposite is true. With this knowledge, you can become a more compassionate, patient, understanding man. This deeper understanding is a big part of what turns women on.

That doesn’t mean you’ll become a wuss. When you are more loving, you become more aggressive and passionate, because you have no guilty intention holding you back! Your power is love itself. A man’s love is what turns women on.

Remember, trauma is loss of control. Surrender is giving up control. Psychologically, trauma and sex are cousins.

What a thrill when she can let go, and surrender to a strong man!

When a woman trusts me enough to surrender to me, it is deeply humbling. It is an honor to be given control of another person. She is as autonomous and sovereign as I, her body amazing in it’s beauty and function. But she is mine to enjoy and ravish, at least for small window of time.

Fuck your woman with all the passion in your heart, as if you’ll never see another women again. Never take sex for granted – it’s a gift from her, from nature, from God. Never take a woman’s body for granted. She has given it to you because she respects you, feels safe with you, and knows you can give her pleasure.

Thrust with abandon, enjoy obliviously. This is Man’s love for Woman, which is truly what turns women on.