Confidence with girls

Some guys naturally have confidence with girls, but for the average guy just talking to a cute girl can be nerve-racking. In this article I’m going to debunk some myths about confidence, and how a guy can truly develop confidence with girls.

Confidence with girls starts with how you think

Confidence is often misunderstood. Often when we someone who looks confident isn’t really thinking confidently. Internally, confidence is the expectation of success, of a positive outcome. But externally, confidence looks like calm focus. Interestingly, when someone is simply focused on a task, they externally look calmly focused as well.

So having a present task focus looks the same as confidence. And this is why we commonly mistake focus for confidence. Think about the most confident looking guys – professional athletes. I always picture Michael Jordan because I’m an 80’s baby. I remember a video I had about MJ’s life story that I watched every day as a kid. In one of the interviews he said that on some nights, the basket looked like a “big ol’ bucket, and every shot was easy.” But he made it clear this was the exception, when he was in the zone. Most of the time, MJ was just extremely focused on his job – keep moving, get free, line up, and aim for the back of the rim.

In interviews with athletes, reporters always ask the same questions:

What were you thinking going into the game? Did you expect to win? What was your strategy?

And always, athletes say the same thing:

I knew what I had to do to win. I knew that if we worked hard, and played our game (i.e. stayed focused) we’d have a good chance. We did our job today and came away with the win.

Notice how there is NO expectation of success, just focus on the task at hand. Also, credit is given to the team, not taken for oneself. This illustrates my point about how “confidence” often is really task-focus, but it also shows what task focus is all about – team work.

Effective leaders, and successful people in general, are team-oriented. They don’t take credit, they give it, because they know that they are stronger when their team is strong. A true leader wants to get the best out of others. Think about how this applies to social interactions. If you want to look confident, don’t try to trick yourself into expecting a positive outcome. Instead, stay focused on the task at hand. And what is the task? Building your team by drawing out the best in others.

A guy who has confidence with girls thinks the same way, because he is not trying to prove himself. Instead he wants to find out if the girl worth his while, and the best way to get her to demonstrate her value is by making her feel confident in herself.

Occasionally you will fall into “the zone” and feel like you’re “on.” But don’t count on it. Over time, you’ll find yourself in the zone more often as you gain experience with girls. Truly you’ll expect a positive result, and this is when you’ll have confidence with girls.

Confidence with girls requires positive experience

The reason why I advocate focus over confidence is that it’s the easiest way to get the immediate positive feedback that gradually snowballs into positive beliefs. If you are nervous around girls, but can focus on making the next girl you see smile, and you succeed, this will start a feedback loop. Just like a snowball rolls down a snow-covered hill gaining size and momentum, a belief that women like you and that you are attractive starts with small successes. Over time, these successful experiences become embedded in your perception of reality. You begin to expect success.

But these successes, these small positive reactions from girls, require focus. Focus is how to move past your fear and execute your goal. You see a cute girl and feel butterflies, but you focus on making the girl feel good about herself. You tell her she looks cute today, or something equally light and complimentary. This makes her feel confident with you and she will open up and talk more freely. This is what you want. On top of this, she perceives you as having confidence with girls, and we all know that confidence is the first thing women list when they describe what attracts them to a guy.

So not only does she feel great, an attractive guy gave her this feeling, and she is motivated to direct her expression towards you. This is a positive, sexually charged interaction begins. And remember – even thought it appears that you have confidence with girls, all you’re really doing is focusing as a leader, on the task at hand, which means building the confidence of others.

Confidence with girls takes time

Most guys are waiting for that magical day when they have confidence with girls. Maybe you’re waiting for the day when you have a nicer car, more money, a cooler job, better clothes, bigger muscles, or whatever. The bottom line is confidence with anything takes time to develop. You WILL NOT be confident from the start. But the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll have confidence with girls. It’s crucial that you give yourself time to learn and develop. If you avoid approaching girls for fear of making a mistake or embarrassing yourself, you will never progress. In fact, it’s the mistakes and embarrassment that give you confidence, because you soon realize that failure doesn’t really hurt you.

Your fear goes away once you realize that rejection is not that big of a deal. You can read this a million times, but you must see for yourself to believe it. As you lose your fear, your focus and actions become more powerful. This will result in more positive reactions from girls, reducing your fear even more. In fact, you can think about confidence as a total lack of fear. You don’t expect to lose. But you don’t necessarily expect to win. You focus on the task at hand: giving confidence to others. And this how guys think when they have confidence with girls.

What to say to the most beautiful women

There’s a huge misconception when it comes to meeting and dating women: the hottest women are the hardest to approach. This is simply not true. In my experience, the most beautiful women have been the most responsive. This is not because I’m especially good-looking or rich, or charming. It’s because I went for it, and I was honest.

An exceptionally attractive woman lives in a strange reality. Every other woman she meets secretly hates her, and every man wants to sleep with her. And sinse most men are insecure about their own attractiveness they act fake in order to impress attractive women.

So she has men acting fake, and women being fake.
It’s no wonder that the first thing hot women look for when they are approached is sincerity and authenticity – honesty. I know this from personal experience, and through feedback I’ve gotten from women. The number one thing women tell me they first noticed about me is that I was very warm and I seemed “real.” I was just being me.

I know it’s hard to believe, but this is how you can separate yourself from all the other guys, especially with the hottest women. Again, hot women are so used to men acting fake and weird that by just being normal, honest, and friendly, you will look very impressive. After all, women don’t need a man to entertain them. They need a strong leader who cares about them.

Women can tell when you are being inauthentic. It comes across in subtle ways – evasive eye contact, talking too fast, trying too hard to be funny, standing with an awkward posture, etc. Another way men try to talk to hot women is by acting cocky, overly confident, to hide their insecurity and nervousness.

It’s interesting – I’ve actually told women – HOT women – that I was nervous talking to them. And it actually seemed to relax them and make them more open to getting to know me. Why? Because I was being real, being honest, and remember – that’s what the hottest women are looking for.  That’s what allwomen are looking for.

Be honest, be warm, take the lead. Even if you’re nervous. Because the number one regret all men have is that they didn’t go for that one beautiful girl. If only they knew how easy it could be!

pickup artist tips

As a professional dating coach for men, I’m sometimes referred to as a pick up artist. I thought of myself this way for a long time when I got started learning how to be good with women.

I don’t think this accurately depicts who I am or what I do now. In my personal life, I’m simply a man who loves women, and understands them much better than the typical guy.

Professionally, I’m a dating coach for men. I teach men how to be successful meeting women and living the kind of lifestyle they want. I also teach guys how to be good in bed, how to have great dates, and how to connect with women on a very deep level.

But a lot of guys who are just learning how to be good with women are starting like I started – as pick up artists. So I thought I’d write up a little article of some of my favorite pickup artist tips. These are tips to get you started – techniques you can use to get success right away and start yourself on a positive feedback loop of success.

Tips to pick up women

1. One of the hardest things for guys to do is approach women. Even the toughest guy gets scared when he wants to talk to attractive women. The problem is that he is worried about how to impress women, instead of how to help them impress him! This is a powerful shift in thinking. So when you approach women, you should not be thinking about what to say to make her laugh or make her like you.

Instead, tell her something YOU like about HER. And make it specific. Don’t just say, “You’re hot.” Say, “I like your hair! It’s different, but looks great on you.” Or, “I love how you move when you dance. I can’t stop looking at you.” Giving a woman a specific compliment on her beauty is my favorite way to start a conversation, and it’s very effective if done with a warm energy and focused eye contact.

2. Once a guy is past the approach, the next step is conversation. As the man, you will have to carry the conversation at first, because women don’t usually know what to say or do when they are approached. They just become passive and try to keep up if they like you. You’re goal is to change this by giving her the confidence to express herself freely. This is another shift in thinking because conventional wisdom says that as the man it’s your job to be confident.

Think about it – what do confident people do? They try to build up those around them. This is your focus when talking to a woman. Instead of bragging, be self-deprecating. Instead of trying to be funny, poke fun at her for her cute quirks. Instead of thinking about how to get sexual, focus on making her feel comfortable with you. This will allow her natural sexuality to emerge, because she feels safe expressing that side of herself to you.

3. When you take a girl back to your place (or hers), go slow, but don’t hesitate. This is a subtle balance, between rushing and waiting. A woman can tell when you are rushing and desperate for sex, but she can also tell when you are too scared to make a move. Women also like it when a guy takes his time and savors the moments leading up to sex. I’ve noticed that if I move and talk slow, but still make my move, I rarely get resistance.

Guys are always worried about how to get a girl to have sex. The way I see it, if she’s comfortable, and turned-on, she will WANT to have sex. Going slow without being timid achieves this. Once you are finally naked together, make sure you last at least 15 minutes and give her a good variety of experience – go hard and deep, fast and shallow, slow it down, and speed it up. If you just do what you feel, she’ll feel YOU, and that’s what a woman wants – to feel a man fully.

More tips to pick up women – specific techniques to use when approaching women

4. If you see a woman pass on the street, let her pass, then turn around and catch up to her. Flank around her and approach from her 10 o’clock or 2 o’clock position. Look into her eyes, slow to a stop, forcing her to stop, and tell her how beautiful you think she is. Ask her name, and go from there.

If you want to approach a a woman in a grocery store, try this one: “Wow, a beautiful woman who cooks! I like you already.” In a retail store, get her opinion on something you are thinking about buying. When she tells you, say “Hmm a cute girl with good taste. What’s your name?”

If you want to pick up a woman in a bar talking with her friends, go up and say, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I gotta say you look great. I noticed you right away and had to come over. I’m (your name).”

If you want to approach a girl at a party, keep it light and casual. Tell her you like her outfit, and then ask her if she knows the host.

If you want to start a conversation with a girl in a coffee shop, ask her if she is working on school stuff or work stuff. Most people in coffee shops go there to get some caffeine and focus on something. Just ask what they are up to, and then talk about yourself before you ask another question. This prevents you from looking nosey, and is an easy way to get an interesting conversation going.

5. My last pick up artist tip is about how to get a girl’s number. The easiest way to do this is to simply have a good conversation and tell her you want to see her again. Then say, “What’s your number? I’ll call your phone so you have mine too.” This is my standard. But sometimes you need to get a girl’s number fast, like when you meet her on the street. In this case, say “Hey we both gotta be on our way. You are cute and seem cool. How about we exchange numbers and see what happens.” This usually works for me, but to be honest, if you haven’t made any sort of connection, a woman probably won’t give her number out. You should still try though.

I hope these tips to pick up women lead to you living your ideal sex life.

how to get laid

Dating models

Most guys put models and actresses on a pedestal, as the pinnacle of achievement when it comes to dating. I have dated enough of these types of women to know that I’d actually prefer to meet normal women – teachers, nurses, etc. But if you are looking for the picturesque type of woman, straight off the cover of Cosmo, then you’ll need to know a couple things.

#1 Go where they are

In New York, models and actresses tend to hang out in certain areas, and at certain clubs. Find out what clubs and bars are near talent agencies in your town, and start to frequent those places. In NYC, Chelsea is where most of the modeling agencies are. Every time I go to that part of town, I see some really amazing women. Again, my taste is more for the “around the way girl,” but if I were looking for a skinny, 6-foot-tall European looking model chick, I’d go to Chelsea.

#2 Don’t be impressed – relate

The odds are actually more in your favor, the hotter a girl is. Especially with models and actresses, because of how other men treat them. They are used to men worshipping and fawning all over them, or staring creepily but not saying anything, or being really obnoxious and aggressive.

If you can just treat her like a normal person, without the game or bullshit, you will seem really different. 

So how do you act normal? Don’t be impressed with her. Be curious about her, and as she talks about herself, relate to her experience. If she talks about the stress of acting, because she has to perform for others, talk about how working in IT can be stressful because everyone expects you to know it all, and as soon as the system has trouble, everyone blames you. (Yes, you can work in IT and date models. I’ve had tons of clients make this their reality.)

#3 Focus on her personality and convey standards

I recall meeting a famous model at the airport. I told a couple of my friends, and they got really excited, telling me that I “had to sleep with her.” For them it was a trophy. But the more I talked to her, the less I liked her. Soon I decided I didn’t want to spend anymore time with her than I already had.

It’s important not to compromise yourself just to sleep with a hot woman. If you have standards, and integrity (you stick to your standards), she will feel it.

A lot of times, models are used to men sucking up them and letting them get away with crappy behavior. Not you. If she makes a bad joke, or acts stuck up, make fun of her, subtly challenging her to step up. I call this “appreciation-potential.” You are conveying that you could like her, if she can stop being fake and be real with you. This is POWERFUL, because no man does this with her.

#4 Give experiences, not money

Do not try to take her to an expensive restaurant or plan some elaborate date, just because she’s hot and in show-business.

Instead, take her to a greasy spoon with great cheap food, a cool dive bar with pool tables, and a nice walk along the river or lake. Give her a relaxed, varied experience, as you and she get to know eachother.

Commit this to memory: she’ll be impressed by the fact that you’re not trying to impress her. What she really wants is an authentic connection with a normal man.

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