Women love sex, and most share the view that it’s healthy, fun, and connective. Not only do women love sex, but I’d say they are actually more adventurous and kinky than men. If you’ve ever read Nancy Friday’s book, My Secret Garden, you know what I’m talking about. After you read it, you’ll see it is quite easy for a girl to get turned on
Compared to men, women have much more creative and extreme fantasies. This isn’t to say women always want to carry out their fantasies. Quite the opposite, which is what makes fantasy so exciting.
In real life, she may not want to actually be bent over by a faceless man in a crowded stadium, or kneel under a podium and give a blowjob to a powerful man giving a speech to a full auditorium (these are both common fantasies I’ve heard women describe).
But in her mind, a woman is safe to explore these crazy ideas, and it’s this safety, this privacy that allows her to indulge in her fantasies and get really turned on. When you understand HOW she thinks, you will know how to turn a girl on.
This article is not about women’s sexual fantasies. I only bring up fantasy to illustrate how incredibly sexual women are. The secret world inside a woman’s mind is a sexual playground. But on the outside, she must hide this, even to her friends. A woman’s sexuality is something wonderful, but also vulnerable – something sacred she must guard, to some degree, at all times. It truly is a secret garden, and she can’t let anyone come in and carelessly trample all over the flowers.
The garden must be protected for many reasons and that’s my goal for this article – to help male readers understand the dynamics of female sexuality on a deeper level, and in a more holistic way.
As a man, it took me a long time to understand how to turn a girl on. It was really a process of unlearning my cultural conditioning, so I could see the obvious.
If I have unprotected sex, I risk contracting an STD, but even then, a woman has a much higher chance of contraction, because of the physical nature of intercourse – she is being penetrated and ejaculated into. I’m sure you know how sex works, but have you ever thought about how the physical dynamics of intercourse affect how a woman thinks about sex?
Evolutionarily, sex is a risk for a woman. Here is a list of the risks a woman takes sexually. (It’s important to understand that although some of these risks are not as much of an issue today, we are still wired as we were 80-50,00 BC. Our brains have not had time to change to the degree society has. Culture changes fast, but biology evolves slowly. Very slowly. 10,000 years of civilization is a blink compared to millions of years of physical evolution).
Risks associated with sex, for women:
* Death at childbirth (mother and child)
* Months of at least some physical handicap, carrying a fetus inside her body
* Several years carrying the responsibility to care for her child
* Contracting an STD
* Physical pain, especially if sex is against her will
* Loss of social reputation
* Emotional pain if she is abandoned after sex
* Deeper emotional pain if she is gets pregnant and is abandoned
Risks for men:
* Contracting an STD
* Potentially breaking a sweat
It’s a wonder women want to have sex at all, but in fact they do – very much so. And this is a subtle but important point – women are still very horny despite all these risks. It doesn’t take a lot to turn a girl on. It just requires understanding.
A woman’s sexuality is so powerful that it overrides all the risks she is taking. But this desire doesn’t negate her fear. Fear and desire coexist in a woman, and this accounts for the often ambiguous and seemingly-illogical way women act when it comes to sex.
And there is an even deeper level of fear associated with sex, beyond the physical and emotional risks. For a woman, sex is surrender. She is giving up control of her body. As her body is surrendered, so is her mind. She is letting go.
I’ve found that the more relaxed a woman is with me, the more she can let go of control and surrender to me, the more pleasure she experiences. The easiest way to turn a girl on is to help her relax with you.
With enough relaxation, sex can seem like a transcendent experience for my woman. She is at the whim of the universe, surrendered, relaxed, in unconscious ecstasy. It’s as if I’ve fucked all thought out of her head and she only FEELS waves of pleasure surging through her body.
In contrast, I am in total control, totally conscious, holding her, pounding her, tasting her, completely focused on how beautiful and feminine she is. I feel turned on by seeing her turned on. My arousal is expressed through my control of her, my penetration of her. The stronger and more passionately I hold her and thrust into her, the more she surrenders and allows her body to be enjoyed and penetrated.
But surrender means letting go of control. Loss of control is the cause of emotional trauma. When a woman is raped, and goes into a deep depression, it’s because she felt helpless. Her sense of ownership of her own body was completely negated. No one was there to protect her.
If someone could take her body away from her once, it could hypothetically happen at any time. This is a terrifying thought. And what most guys don’t know is that sexual trauma is actually the norm in the female experience.
If a woman hasn’t been outright assaulted at some point in her life (which is extremely common), she has at least experienced leering, harassment, and manipulation from men, on a REGULAR, EVEN DAILY BASIS. This is ongoing, low-intensity trauma, but over time has the same effect – often a girl’s sense of self-ownership, of autonomy and free will, diminishes as she grows into a woman.
Compounding this is the emotional pain women commonly experience when they have sex with a guy who then stops calling and cuts off contact. Being abandoned after sex is very, very painful for a woman. As women get older, they take men’s promises with a grain of salt, and get somewhat desensitized to the “hit it and quit it” routine. But for younger women, being abandoned by a guy after sleeping with him is traumatic and has a powerful impact on her perception of men and sex.
None of what I’ve said is to make you feel guilty. The opposite is true. With this knowledge, you can become a more compassionate, patient, understanding man. That doesn’t mean you’ll be a wuss. Again, the opposite is true. When you are more loving, you become more aggressive and passionate, because you have no guilty intention holding you back!
If you want to know how to turn a girl on, find your unique combination of aggressive passionate sexuality, balanced with a sense of emotional safety and relaxation. This is the magic formula.
Trauma is losing control. For a woman, sexual surrender is giving up control. But both are ultimately the loss of control. So trauma and sex are psychological cousins. Fear and arousal lie on opposite sides of a slippery slope that is a woman’s sexuality. Precarious, vulnerable, exciting and scary…she is on fire. What a thrill to let go, and surrender to a strong man.
When a woman trusts me enough to surrender to me, it is deeply humbling. It is an honor to be given control of another person’s body. She is as autonomous and sovereign as I, her body amazing in it’s function and beauty. And, at least for small window of time, it is mine to enjoy and ravish.
Fuck your woman with all the passion you can muster. Never take sex for granted – it’s a gift from nature, from God. If you’re energy is low, that’s OK. Give what you can at the time. And never take a woman’s body for granted. She has given it to you as you give yours to her.
Give with abandon, enjoy obliviously, and help her do the same. This is how to turn a girl on.
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