There’s a massive amount of BS regarding how to truly build s
elf-confidence. The biggest lie is that you need confidence to succeed with women (or anything). What you need is the right FOCALITIES,, so that you can start winning NOW.
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For one-on-one personal help with building confidence and achieving rapid success without waiting for some “magical day,” give a thought to personal coaching:
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Imagine a woman surrendering to you so completely that in your arms, her whole body trembles in ecstasy before melting into tranquility beneath you…
Inspiring this kind of surrender is more satisfying and badass than any cheap thrill. Every man intuitively knows this.
To lead a woman so well that she is a puddle of naked euphoria in your arms, whether you met her months or only hours ago, is being a benevolent badass.
This is because every woman longs for surrender. Surrender can’t be faked. Well, it can – but it’s not as much fun for either party, and both feel cheated.
True surrender can only occur when on a deep intuitive level, a woman feels safe. Safety has to be there before she can relax with you, much less surrender.
This is not a “thinking” safe – it’s not any kind of reasoning or any kind of analysis she’s going to calculate. This is a pure, palpable, intuitive sense she gets from you that, “Wow, with this man – I am safe.”
Oh, for you to be that man! It’s vital because you can pretty much figure that if you are being jumpy and weird, she’ll never be able to relax. And neither will you for that matter, which doesn’t feel sexy to anybody.
The secret to her feeling safe is you SLOWING the f*** doooowwwwnnnn…..
The easiest way to do this is to move your body as if through water when you are with her: slowly and intentionally. When I heard a colleague say this once, it was like a lightbulb for me.
It may seem nebulous to you at first, but if you want a woman’s full surrender, you have to meet her in the intuitive place she lives. I’ve found this is one of the easiest entry points for the men I coach. Let’s look at it more closely:
You know how water has a way of slowing you down when you are in it? When you are in a pool and looking through the water, everything is soft and hazy and beautiful. It takes longer to move because there is continual resistance. You are effortlessly slower.
The water smoothes out starkness and muffles intensities. It kind of envelops you in this still, slow world where you’re held by the fullness of water in a way you’re never held by thin air.
Here is the exercise for you to practice again and again:
When you hold a woman, imagine holding her this way. Imagine that you are both in water. Or imagine that you are the water holding her, enveloping her, slowing her world doooowwwwnnnn…..
This will feel odd at first, just like anything feels odd when you do it for the first time. To keep yourself on track and practicing as often as possible, remember that doing this helps you for two reasons:
(1) It makes you look and feel powerful, enabling her to trust you and feel safe in your presence. This is because powerful beings have no need to rush, to twitch, to be jerky.
Think of a leopard or a lion. Smooth, easy, still, confident. You’re communicating power via your stillness. This calms her nerves and magnetizes her to you as a center of stillness.
It’s important to note that true stillness can only come from integrity and being a “benevolent badass”. If you’re not benevolent – TRULY benevolent – if you are not a truly good man, nothing I am writing here can help you. This advice only works for men who have strong and true hearts, who are honest and good.
When you’re good-hearted and you master the art of being calm and still, she feels you as powerful and trustworthy, and her nerves smooth out and become quiet. She is freed up to surrender to you.
(2) When you can be still, it makes it SO much easier for you to see her on a deep level and become open and intuitive to her and her desires.
This is because you are quiet enough in your head to actually perceive what is going on with her and what she wants.
When you are truly still and steady, you can start to notice these things, all of which help her feel seen and safe as you adjust your lead accordingly…
What is she feeling?
What does she want more of?
What is her BODY responding to…
Where is she melting or tensing?
Most tensing can be calmed by you being more solid and SLOWING the f*** doooowwwwnnnn…..
That slowness helps on so many levels, all leading to her fully trusting your lead. If you want to think of it linearly, it’s like this:
Your Slowness Engenders Trust → She Feels Safe → She Can Relax → She Can Surrender
Remember your new practice of moving as if through water. This is just like building any muscle, which gets stronger as you train it. The more you slow down, the more she can relax and surrender to you.
Sarah Jones is the Love Life Engineer for smart, introverted men, helping them attract and connect with women naturally. For more – and to download her 61-page ebook on attracting women naturally – visit her at Introverted Alpha (IntrovertedAlpha.com) and Facebook.
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As I developed the Pandora’s Box system with Vin Dicarlo, my goal was to answer one question: how do women think about dating and sex?
The idea that women are illogical has never sat well with me. After two years of devouring every source of information I could.
I devoured academic research, piles of books on gender, personality, and female psychology, and I talked to every woman I personally knew. I also picked other that had a “way with women.”
I began synthesizing a personality inventory, based on the ways women navigate the dating (mating) process on a cognitive level. But the key was to focus on the cognitive processes that are different from how men think.
I found there were three considerations women have about dating that men do not:
1. Women have a time window, and must use a strategy to find the best mate in that window.
2. Women are ambivalent about sex, because their desires are coupled with fears that men don’t have.
3. Women want to feel they are contributing to their man’s life in a supportive way. But how they nurture a man varies based on their perception of a woman’s role in a romantic relationship.
Each factor has two polarities, like the DSMMD. A woman’s cognitive dating map develops according to the 8 possible preferences for finding a man. This means that each factor is a line, with a contrasting strategy at each end.
Three lines, or axes, makes a cube…in other words, a box!
I thought about the myth of Pandora’s Box. A woman opens a box that releases all the chaos and evil previously contained and controlled within a mythical box. This is like the Adam and Eve story, where Eve succumbs to temptation and brings evil into the Garden of Eden.
I felt these myths were biased, and unfairly painted women as evil or bad. Women are not, though it may serve the male ego to believe this. I wanted to counter these myths with a modern, compassionate view of women, giving men a healthier way of dealing with the opposite sex.
So Vin Dicarlo and I set out to create a new Pandora’s Box.
As a dating coach for men, my job is to create easily navigable systems. This particular system was based on eight types of women (3 lines, multiplied by 2 possible preferences-polarities, equals eight types).
This was an exciting project. I wrote tons of articles and Advanced Strategy Guides explaining the Pandora’s Box system and how to understand the eight types of women. But more importantly, how to explore each individual woman’s mind using the most accurate system at that time.
I also got to interview some really great women on camera and illustrate to my students how to explore a woman’s mind using the Pandora’s Box system. Some of my favorite interviews were actually off-camera, on the phone. I had to keep these interviews discrete, as they were focused on sex and got pretty candid and explicit.
There was a side-effect to all this research. Me and the rest of the Vin DiCarlo Coaching team all naturally became even better with women, simply because we all understood them on such a deep level. I no longer had to think about what to say or where I stood in a woman’s eyes. We now felt, on an intuitive level, what a woman was probably thinking and feeling.
This allowed me and the rest of the Dicarlo Coaching team to connect with women on a much deeper level, completely effortlessly.
We were no longer pickup artists, consciously running game. We became Naturals, easily and organically connecting with the deepest part of the women we met.
I also developed a deeper love for women, and saw them, not as conquests or opponents to “seduce,” but unique, individual human beings. Once my perception shifted, my results got better, with less effort. In fact, “effort” isn’t the right word. Interactions became fun, easy, and more fulfilling.
Although Vin Dicarlo no longer offers personal coaching, I still do. I’ve been a professional dating coach for men for 8 years, and I am still passionate about helping men achieve dating success with women.
If you want to learn how to apply the Pandora’s Box system with women at a master level as fast as possible, check out my LEAD7 Coaching Program.
To your success,
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Since creating the Pandora’s Box System, I’ve discovered even deeper levels of female psychology, and I have many simple, easy-to use systems for guys to touch women at the deepest level.
For example, every woman has a need for one of three archetypal Male Roles to be filled at any given stage in her life. She may need a Master, Partner, or Lover, and she probably will not be consciously aware of this. And if women aren’t conscious of this, obviously MEN aren’t either.
So often men try to text a girl to set up a date, but have no idea who she is, what she wants, or what her lifestyle is like. In short, men lack Awareness.
Mastery in ANY CONTEXT requires a high degree of Awareness. You must have information and insight, to see things the layperson can’t see. To be good with women, you must be aware of the ways their thinking differs from yours.
You must your level of awareness around women. Awareness helps you intuitively understand what is going on in a woman’s mind, so you can communicate naturally, without planning or fumbling. Even if you do fumble, you can pick up where you left off, smoothly, masterfully.
I know this to be true because I live it.
It’s been over three years since the completion of Pandora’s Box, and my understanding of women has improved dramatically since then.
My thought process has gotten simpler, and more effective. I think about different things now – I no longer try to fit women into categories.
I try to treat each woman like the first I’ve ever met, although all my experience remains in the back of my mind. I intuitively know what to look for so I know what she needs. But I don’t project a “type” onto her. I listen to her, feel her, learn from her. I let her tell me what she needs – which Role she needs filled at this time in her life.
Different men play different roles in a woman’s life. She has a father, a brother, friends, etc. In her sexual relationships, there are three different types of men she will sleep with. There are three Male Archetypes in a woman’s sex life – three timeless keys to her soul.
It’s rare that a woman has all three at once. It’s rare that she even has one! If you know which, if any, archetypes she already has filled in her life, you’ll know which you need to be.
In other words, you’ll know what kind of Leader this woman needs you to be, and you’ll know how to proceed.
I’m almost never at a total loss for why a woman isn’t responding to me. If things don’t work out with a particular women, I almost always know if I made a mistake, or if it was something outside my control.
Every mistake a man makes with a woman is based on
1. not understanding himself (Thrust)
2. not understanding her (Awareness)
3. not understanding HOW to lead (Control)
This is why ACT are the Three Pillars of Leadership. Neither is more important than the other, but when you think about all the times you’ve failed with women, I’ll bet 75% of the time the problem was a lack of Awareness.
Not understanding women is the most common challenge men make. This is why a guy can be confident, have his life together, and even be a great leader in the office. But when he meets a woman he falls apart.
When a woman flakes, I know it’s because the Role I was trying to fill was already filled. I don’t think about what women need. I think about what this woman in front of me needs.
If I can satisfy that need, it doesn’t matter if she has a boyfriend, husband, or a deep-rooted frustration with men. None of that matters because she and I have a unique connection that exists outside the boundaries of society – it’s a connection that can’t be labeled because it’s primal, spiritual, universal in it’s singularity.
I enjoy each woman I meet, loving her in the moment, exploring her, always learning. My only goal is to make her feel good, make her feel like a woman.
I hope to raise your Awareness and love for women, so that you may enjoy them as I do.Continue reading >>
1. Value over values, your kingdom, messaging first mentioned
Big picture. What do you want? What do you want out of this relationship with this woman?You want her giving as much as you are. You want her giving as much as she’s getting… if not more. Trust me, I know. I’ve been in relationships where the woman was the princess. And that was really tough — really draining on me. At some point, I started feeling resentment. Even though the girl was really pretty, I actually got to a point where I didn’t want to have sex with her anymore because I didn’t like her. Period. I didn’t like her as a person, and I was sick of her. You shoot yourself in the foot by putting a woman on a pedestal right off the bat — you’re setting the tone for a relationship that’s ultimately going to leave you unhappy.So you have to set the correct tone immediately.
This is really about being honest, not necessarily giving this girl your life story or honest in a verbal way, it’s more honest in terms of your actions. Only do something that you can sustain for the long term. Don’t act like somebody that ultimately you’re not going to want to be.Even bigger picture. What do you want out of your relationships with people? I’m going to briefly go into something I call “Value vs. Values.” This is probably something I’m going to write an article on the future. A lot of people get into interactions where they feel like they’re not in control. They feel like the other person is the authority (especially in social situations when you’re talking to somebody and you perceive them to have higher status than you). This could be a guy who has more money, or is better dressed, or better looking than you. This could be a woman that’s really attractive on a level that you are not used to. So you put them on a pedestal. YOU assign them higher status. Remember it’s all in your head.
What this comes down to is you assigning them value.
Brian SCubed Call 6 – Conclusion6-6Instead of doing that, you should think about values. What do you really value?I don’t value the cool game, where people are acting cooler than each other. I don’t value bragging. I don’t value showing off. I don’t value putting others down. I don’t value materialism. I don’t value superficial shows of beauty or status. I think all that is really silly. It’s basically a bunch of monkeys pretending not to be monkeys. When I see people doing this, I’m no longer intimidated — I’m just bored or flat-out not interested.What I AM interested in is genuine connections — people being honest with each other, people making each other feel better, being helpful to each other, having fun, being silly together, enjoying life together.If I’m talking to a girl and she’s trying to act cool, or she’s doing the validation flux thing where she’s giving me a compliment one second and trying to tease me and lower my value the next second, I simply don’t pay attention to any of that. This basically makes her die, and that behavior in her dies because I don’t pay attention to it — it doesn’t get reinforced.When you assign someone value, it makes you feel less than them. It puts you down and puts them above you. And it sets the tone for a relationship which is either not going to happen, or it’s going to be dysfunctional.If you think more about values and whether this person is doing things and enacting values that you share, then you’ll approve of those things. When they’re enacting values that you don’t like, or that you’re not interested in, you won’t pay attention to that.This completely alleviates all social anxiety.This means you will not be intimidated by people AT ALL…unless you value being witty, putting people down, or looking cooler to people. If you value the ego game, then you’re bound to lose at times — and that going to create some anxiety.But if you know what you value and you stick to that, you can’t lose. You can only connect…or not. But there’s no anxiety involved.In terms of compliance, it’s really about short-term-shaping in the first three minutes. When you convey that you are not intimidated by the person, that you don’t see them as on a pedestal – you’re not trying to suck up to them (and in fact you’re screening to see if theyshare the same values you do), they will automatically assign you authority.Remember, authority is the outer appearance/outer manifestation of dominance.They will assign you authority, and at that point, all you need to do is simply make a request, get them invested, get them to tell you about themselves.Remember: emotional compliance is the most powerful kind of compliance, where she’s telling you about her life and herself….…And the way you do that is to present yourself as an authority by:
* Not sucking up
* Not trying to adapt to her values
* Not putting her on a pedestal
…but instead, by being true to yourself and seeing if she can hang with that.
When I was younger sometimes girls would be attracted to me. Every now and then a girl would have a crush or some interest in me. Maybe they thought I was cute…sometimes girls thought I was mysterious because i was so quiet. Really I was just afraid of people. I played soccer, so I was in good shape, and I was always one of the smarter kids in class. So I had a little going for me.
But, I would always fail with girls.
Looking back, it seems I had been brainwashed to think that I had to say the right thing and I had to somehow impress them. And this went all the way through until I was about 22 or 23.
Now, at that point I was dating a girl for two and a half, three years. And I was absolutely in love with her. Even thinking about maybe even proposing to her. And then everything just started going downhill.
She would do little things, I’d get upset, and that would make her go cold on me.
It was just a downward spiral. The worse it got, the more focused I was on appeasing her, pleasing her, and keeping her with me. She felt that pressure and that neediness and basically I was sending her the message that she was more important than me.
I developed the life skills to meet women whenever I want and also to have great relationships with them. The kind of relationships that I wanted that I was never able to have when I was younger.
Where am I’m at today in my personal life? I have more women in my life than I probably really deserve. I can meet women whenever I want, in pretty much in any context, have them been interested in me, and it’s really my decision as to whether we get to know each other or not.
At this point, if I want to sleep with a woman I pretty much know that I can (unless I make some huge blunder or something dramatically out of my control happens.)
So at this point it basically feels the same as doing your job or writing a paper for school. You know how to do it. You know the process. You know how it works.
Of course, you make mistakes – just like anyone else at any level – but this part of my life is now something that I can control, something I can do deliberately, and not feel frustrated anymore.
That’s going to be the main theme for you throughout this program: I’m going to work with you on your lifestyle, on your mental tools, your mind-sets with women, and then contextual techniques so that you have a tool belt to use when you get in certain situations.
Essentially, the whole point is so you can do what we call “flip the script.“I’m going to get in to what the “Script” is and why you MUST flip it in order to have success with women.
The traditional script is basically composed of four or five acts.Act One: You see a woman and you put her on a pedestal in your mind. You put her above you mentally.
Act two: You walk up or you somehow get in to an interaction with her and you try to impress her.This is a logical strategy to use because if someone is above you, it makes sense that you would try to impress them.Then perhaps she gives you some attention. She maybe sees past your insecurity and your pedestal mentalitybecause that’s not that different from what she’s experienced her entire life. Hell, it’s what every other guy is doing. She’s probably come to expect that and she decides to give you a chance.This, you think, is your big chance to be with an attractive woman – so you get needy and put pressure on her.
Alright? And that’s Act Three.
Act Three: You start putting pressure on her.This could be calling her too much – or even in that first initial conversation being too pushy In terms of trying to force the conversation and maybe even trying to get her to come back to your place before it’s really appropriate, things like that.Act Four is she starts to pull away from you. Now, this could be in a relationship that’s been going on for a while or this could be in the first 30 seconds (i.e. you approach, she gives you a chance, you try too hard to impress her, you get needy, she pulls away and doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.)Now, get this…The next timeyou see an attractive woman you start over at Act One (pedestal mentality). Only this time you’re carrying a lot of resentment and you’re frustrateddue to your failures. You also have the belief that women don’t like you, because that’s been your experience.
So you’re starting over with even more insecurity and anger.
(women can sense when a guy is used to being frustrated with women and it’s just not attractive)I know a lot of guys who are older or who are really just jaded and stuck in their ways having a very negative view of women – and that’s because they had this experience over and over and over.
I don’t want you to be like that. As you get to your older years I want you looking back at all the great experiences you had with women. I want you feeling over all good about relationships and sex and romance – and this is what women want from you too.
2. Vision = direction
The reason why I’m going in this order is because I’m a big advocate of being real, being honest in starting, building everything from a solid foundation. So, instead of trying to pick up girls with fake clever lines, when you don’t have basic social skills down, that you might get a couple chance successes with that, but that’s short term. You’re not developing yourself so that as you move to the world, you are naturally an attractive person.
Doing all this stuff naturally and easily without having a think about it, I’m at a point now where I don’t think about what I’m going to say to girls, or what technique I’m going to use. And it’s just really nice, because I really don’t like thinking about, I have better things to think about, put it that way. So, one of the things that I want you guys to keep in mind is, I’m not going to go super heavy on technique. I’m going in an order where you’re building a strong foundation layer by layer so that you are a guy who does SCubed. You are SCubed, you are, you flip the script naturally by just being you. We talked about the old script last week. There is no more old script.
You are operating by a new script this time as you move forward in your life.So, a good place to start is Vision. Vision is not a pick up technique. Vision is really about having goals about your life outside of women. If you don’t have a vision, you’re not going to be able to do all the other stuff in SCubed, Ok?So, Vision is about your life outside of women, it’s about your ultimate goals, your mid goals and your short term goals. I tend to organize my life in terms of like five years, five year goals, one year goals and month to month goals. And usually the five year goals, they tend to change, but so much five year goals are to travel, to build my dream home. That’s probably not a five year goal. That’s probably more like a ten, fifteen year goal. Financial goals are big for me. Month to month goals though are more, they’re a little more colorful for example; one month I might decide, ok, I’m going to actually use this Spanish CD Rom, Spanish learning CD Rom that I convinced my dad to buy me last year. I’m actually going to get started and start using it and I’m going to learn Spanish, ok? So this month is going to be my jumping up point for learning Spanish
Transcript of Brian SCubed Call 2 – Vision2-2Obviously that’s a goal that women can help me with. I live in Florida, and I have to say, I mostly dated Hispanic women–a lot of Latina women. A lot of them speak Spanish at least a little bit. And that’s something that I can practice with them, something we can share together. That’s one example of how Vision plays out naturally.
Your ultimate goals are also something that you can share with women. For example; wanting to start your own business, maybe if you’re in a band, or you do some kind of artistic, creative thing, having some kind of big goal like wanting to have your work in a museum somewhere, or to play to an audience of two thousand. You should keep track of what your goals are, and also discern what kindof goals they are.
There are two kinds of goals, and the second kind of goal is something that I don’t actually hear people talk about very much.
The first kind of goal is very common. It’s what you want to do, it’s stuff you want to have, to double your salary next year, or to buy a condo and invest in some real estate.
Another goal that I don’t really hear a lot of people talking about is a goal about who you want to be.For me, being honest and being a kind, caring person is extremely important. That’s something I really had to be conscious of because I tend to have a hot temper sometimes. I have this kind of negative side in me where I can really lash out, be negative and criticize people. So one of my goals is to reduce that and become a more positive, caring person.Those are the kind of goals when you imagine the kind of person you want to be, and then you think about what it takes. Maybe that’s a guy who’s focused, he’s mentally stable, he’s emotionally stable, the guy who cares about his friends, has good relationships.
Those are goals as well, and women can help you out with that. It is especially that kind of goal women can help you out with.
Your lifestyle should be aligned with your vision so every day should bring you closer to your goals. I have noticed in my personal life that I tend to talk a lot about my personal life, and I’m an open book about my problems, my sticking point. That’s because I don’t think there’s any reason to hide it, and the best resource I have for teaching is my own self because I’m going through life, just experiencing the same kind of stuff as everyone else is.
I have noticed that I actually get depressed and will be in a bad mood if I’m doing stuff on a day-to-day basis that is not moving me towards my goals. I’ll actually feel bad and I’ll be in a bad mood.
Brian SCubed Call 2 – Vision2-3A lot of guys will ask, “Well how do you “get in state” before you pick up women?”How do you get in a good mood? Or what if you’re in a crappy mood and don’t feel like talking to anybody, but you see this hot girl that you want to meet? How do you change gears?You don’t always have to be happy and skipping around, but in my experience, if I’m living the life that I’m proud of, I’m at a typically good mood most of the time. Even if I’m not in a good mood, I’m not in a bad mood. I’m in a decent enough mood to where I can talk to people.
If you’re having state issues when you talk to women, (meaning, in a normal, daily scenario. I’m not talking about the approach anxiety of meeting a new person and wanting to impress them. I’m talking about being in a crappy mood and feeling like you can’t approach women because you’re in a bad mood.) I would never tell someone, “Ok, here’s a clever technique to trick yourself into being in a good mood.” I would say, “Let’s start at the core, let’s start at deep core issue. What’s wrong with your life that you’re in such a shitty mood all the time?”
It always comes down to the lifestyle. But if you’re living a life that you’re not proud of, that is if you’re living the life that is not aligned with your goals if you spend your day doing stuff that you know that is a waste of your time, you’re going to feel bad about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself, you’re not going to be in a good mood, and you’re not going to be able to talk to women. It’s almost impossible to socialize if you’re not in a decent mood.
That’s one of the reasons why Vision is so fucking important. It keeps you in a good mood.
In terms of female psychology, I talked about a lot of this last week. Women, just like every other living being, are trying to survive. Women just have a different survival strategy than men.This is the source of the misunderstanding between men and women. Women have a different physical situation than we do in terms of their size, their strength, their emotional needs, and their sexual biology. They get pregnant, and we don’t.
A woman’s best survival strategy is to ally or bond with a strong, successful, dominant male. A good word to sum up all of those qualities would be a “leader.” A leader needs a vision of a better life, a goal of success. The term “leader” lends this idea that there’s a motion, there’s a movement towards something.
A leader needs a goal, otherwise you’re not leading anything. In being a leader in today’s society, it’s not hard to get food or shelter; just get a job, go to the grocery store and you’ll be fine. But even though we don’t necessarily need to be strong and dominant men and be leaders to get through our lives, women are still wired to respond to those things.It’s almost like it’s not necessary to be a leader to live, but it isnecessary to meet attractive women because they are still wired as they were
fifty thousand years ago, and as men, we are, too. That’s why a lot of times you’ll feel this kind of existential angst that a lot of people talk about now. It’s because our society doesn’t have any outlet for us to express this need to be a dominant leader, to be successful, to push ourselves. If it did, then we could try to achieve things.In this way, we’ve got guys who really don’t understand what it is to be a leader because they never had to. At the same time, they feel this void, wondering what the hell is the point of their lives? Why are they even here?
When you have a vision, that question doesn’t really come up. You don’t feel that existential angst. Though a lot of people feel it, and I feel it from time and time as well.
A leader needs a vision of a better life–he needs to have a place where he is going. Now, women are wired too, just as you’re wired to notice a certain hip to waist ratio, legs, nice tits, a pretty face, she’s wired to detect certain things in you automatically. She doesn’t even think about it. You don’t see a woman with a nice figure and have to think about it, it just strikes you instantly. She’s wired in the same way, only she’s detecting different things because, remember, she has different survival needs, and she has a different strategy than you do.
She is wired to detect a man with a vision.Now, what about the losers, and the drug dealers, the bums, the shitty poor guys who don’t have jobs, and the potheads who get the girls? I’ve seen a ton of these kinds of guys who have women in their lives and seem to be really attractive to them. You might look at these guys and think, well shit, you’ve got to be kidding–they don’t even have a job!You’re the one with the vision. Why don’t youhave the girls?The reason is, he is better at communicating a vision than other guys who actually do havea vision. Even though he doesn’t have a real vision, he is better at communicating a vision. I am thinking of one guy in particular who was actually in jail for robbing a bank. This guy is one of the most amazing guys I’ve ever seen. He’s a total loser, but when he talks to you, he sounds like he’s going somewhere. He has a vision. He talks like a coach trying to motivate a team.
Brian SCubed Call 2 – Vision2-5I used to make music, but I wasn’t too ambitious with it. It was a kind of a hobby that I had. I remember one time this guy was talking to me, though, about how he was a rapper. We all knew what a fuck-up this guy was, essentially, but he made sure we all knew that he was a rapper.
When this guy talked to me, I would get wrapped up in it. I would get wrapped up in his vision.
He would be like, “Brian, I need you to make a beat for me man. I got this song. It’s going to be great. I’m going to take it to the radio. I need you to make a beat for me. So, what I’m going to do, I’m going to tell you about the song. I’m going to come over. I’m going to sing it for you.” He would be looking at me, dead in my eyes, standing in my personal space, and giving me this energy, showing me how fucking serious he was.Of course, we’d arrange to meet up a couple of hours later, or the next day, and he wouldn’t show up.
But women respond to that stuff. Women respond to that.
The guys who have real visions don’t really seem to talk about them. They just do it.
But a woman needs to hearabout your vision.
If you have a goal that you’re really serious about achieving, I actually think it’s important to keep a lot of it to yourself and just consolidate your power. This thing is so important to you that it’s a big chunk of your life, and a big part her pouringand connection is the woman feeling like; A) You know her and B) She knows you.
Act One. It all starts in your mind.
“The Pedestal Mentality” – an insidious and destructive poison affecting the neo cortex that we are exposed to nonstop. Its subtle yet all-pervasive nature makes it all the more dangerous.The Pedestal Mentality is something we hear nonstop. Not only in the media but among your peers, among your friends, it’s everywhere.
It’s this idea that if a woman is attractive than she is somehow more valuable. And most especially, it’s the idea that if a woman is attractive, than she is somehow more valuable THAN YOU.So you see this on TV. For example, you could be watching Spike TV which is supposedly TV programing geared towards men – for men – and yet look at the ads on that channel. It’s a bunch of guys drinking beer and this hot babe walks in and they’re all like “Oh duuuude, she’s so hot. Oh my god. What should I do?”
And then the commercial will be like one of the guys thinking of some ridiculous, clever way to impress the girl. Maybe he’ll open a beer bottle with his tongue and she’s like, “Ooh”.Something ridiculous like that…And basically this is a message saying:“With a woman who is good looking, she’s better than you. You have to impress her or even make an ass of yourself, appeasing her, so that she’ll do you the honor of talking to you. So that she’ll look down at you from her pedestal and be nice to you and maybe even grant you access to her precious vagina.“And that’s basically the message that we get everywhere.Now I think this message comes from two different places.I think one: it comes from you. You get this message from yourself and the things you have come to tell yourself in your thoughts, your buddies have this message, you’re dad has this message, even women have this message. They’re also bombarded with it and they start to believe it.
Now get this. There is also a hidden agenda in society from corporations – from companies and individuals that are trying to sell products by making you feel like you’re fundamentally inadequate – by making you feel like women are better than you.
These voices imply that the only way you’re going to get laid, the only way women are going to like you, is if you buy This Deodorant, own That Car, have this kind of Haircut, or that you’re super buff, all of the above, or whatever else. Anything that’s trying to sell you something using attractive women leaning against it, or caressing the guy after he uses it, is basically saying women are more valuable than you.
The idea that women, just because they’re pretty, makes them higher than you and you must appease them so that they give you the favor of having sex with you. This is the message that men are bombarded with all fucking day, 24/7.
The sad thing is. This is wrong. It is not true. Not only is it not true but it’s harmful to you. Not only is it harmful to you, it’s harmful to women.
Because do you honestly think that a woman wants to be surrounded with a bunch of pussies who think that she’s better than them?
Do you think that women want to date a guy who puts her above himself? Do they want to date a guy who lowers himself and thinks he doesn’t deserve her and is constantly calling her, texting her, checking up on her, making sure she’s not sleeping with some other cooler, more rich, more handsome guy with a better car or a better fucking t shirt or whatever it is.
Women don’t want guys to be like that.
Women don’t want you to put them on a pedestal. Because it makes you act like a little bitch.A woman doesn’t want to sleep with a guy who is weak and who doesn’t feel he deserves her.
So, let’s think about how this applies contextually. Specifically what happens?
You see a woman. She’s attractive. That doesn’t mean she’s more valuable. That simply means she has a nice face, has nice features, and you might be interested in having sex with her unless she’s a complete weirdo. If she’s cool enough, you’ll go for it. That’s all it means.But what ends up happening is you see the girl and you get the pedestal mentality. You put her on a pedestal in your mind. That’s the only place the pedestal exists, is in your mind. You put her on the pedestal and then you put too much thought in to what you’re going to say – in a subtle unconscious effort to impress her.
Brian SCubed Call 1 – Intro and Overview1-5Now, you’re thinking and thinking and thinking and as you’re thinking there’s also a voice in your head saying:”Oh man, she probably has a boyfriend”
“She’d never go for me. She’s out of my league.”“__________fill in the blank_______________”And the more you think about it, you do two things.
First of all, you make her way too important to you. So you put a lot of pressure on yourself to say something cool.
Imagine this.If anyone has ever said to you, “hey, say something funny” or “say something cool” or “say something interesting”…. it’s almost impossible to do that. It’s a lot of pressure. And yet you’re saying this to yourself – impress her! do something cool! (really fucking hard to do that). So you’re creating this unachievable goal in your mind.
The second thingyou’re doing is you’re actually alreadyin the posture of appeasing her even though you haven’t interacted with her yet – because you are devoting joules of energy to appease her, to impress her.
You are using your brain; your brain is using energy to impress this woman.
So, you are actually putting work into a woman who hasn’t earned it.
She didn’t earn those looks.Already, because you started off on the wrong foot by putting her on a pedestal, you are already shooting yourself on the foot.Moving on…So, lets say you think of something to say to her like, “Hey how are you?” (Let’s keep it simple here folks).
You go up and say:
“Hey how are you?”
“Oh, I’m fine.”
…… then your brain starts spinning again and you’re using all these joules of energy to think of something cool or interesting to say in response.
And this is the nature of your whole interaction with her.This comes out in fidgeting, this comes out in nervous eye contact, looking away, saying awkward things that don’t make any sense, or any host of other things depending on the person.Basically, she sees you putting all this effort in to interacting with her.To her, she perceives this as: you don’t think you deserve her, you don’t think you’re in her league, and you are trying to impress her.
Why are you trying to impress her? The only reason you’d be trying so hard to impress this woman is because you want to have sex with her.
Now, she perceives two things: this guy is trying to impress me because he wants to have sex with me, but he doesn’t think he actually deserves it….So do you think this woman will want to actually continue an interaction with you or want to have sex with you?
(I’ll tell you later about what Message you’re actually sending to the woman.)Let’s fast forward.Let’s say you actually get her number . You get lucky (typically that’s how guys do things is they get lucky. The girl happens to be really single and looking for a new man or maybe the guy doesn’t act toostupid and she ends up giving him a chance).So, now you’re dating her and every time you hangout it’s the old “what do you want to do tonight? Where should we go? What movie do you want to see?”
Even within sex you might be saying, “Can I do this? Would you mind doing this to me?” And you’re basically putting her in charge of the whole deal, making her in charge in the interaction, the relationship.
You’re making her the focus of the relationship.The whole relationship is not about you and she experiencing life together side by side, enjoying life and enjoying each other. The whole meaning of the relationship if you could give it a tagline like a movie, the tagline would be “Accommodate The Woman.”
Brian SCubed Call 1 – Intro and Overview1-6And so the whole focus of this relationship is not experiencing lifewith the other, the focus of the relationship is appeasing this girl, appeasing the princess.
And again, she doesn’t want this.
She does not want to be on that pedestal. Period.
This all comes from your pedestal mentality, thinking you need to impress her, trying to seek her approval. Ok? Very simple and yet it’s crucial that you wrap your mind around that for the rest of this programThe number one worst thing you can do as a man is seek a woman’s approval, try to impress her, and put her on a pedestal. It’s all the same thing. It all starts with that pedestal mentality.I’m going to go through female psychology really quick with you guys.
If you read my book The Attraction Code you’ll be familiar with a lot of this. But I’ll give a couple analogies too.
The first analogy is my favorite. It’s the Forest Guide Analogy.
The Forest Guide
If you could imagine going to the forest, some huge forest with a bunch of trails in it and you’re going to go on a huge hiking trek through brutal unforgiving territory, the sort that even Army Rangers have to train for. But you never been there before or maybe it’s your first time hiking. So, you need a guide, ok?The nature center provides you a guide…You’re on the edge of the forest. All winding trails, thick with trees, plenty of unknown hazards, and there might be bears and mountain lions and all kinds of crazy shit in there – and you’ve been assigned a guide.Now, as you go in to the woods, the guide says “So what do you think we should do?”. You would be scared shitless and you wouldn’t want to go into the forest with this particular guide.In fact, you’d be angry at the guide for being such a clueless idiot. Because he’s presenting himself as a guide, that’s the leadership role he has and yet he has not doing what he was supposed to do. He’s asking you to do it. He’s asking you to lead when that’s his job!
The second analogy, I want you to think about women and why you are attracted to a woman right off the bat…It probably registers so quick you need to stop and look backwards to analyze what causes that initial gut-level attraction for herThe point here between a man and a woman is what makes a man attractive is his personality. What makes a woman attractive is typically her body- it’s about 70/30 in terms in of percentage of what actually attracts a man to a woman and a woman to a man.
So if a woman is not that physically attractive, that’s how it is with a guy having a shitty personality, being weak, being like the weak guide in the forest analogy.Think of it. This woman who is not attractive physically, she comes up to you and she says “Hey, please have sex with me. I know you’re better than me, and I’ll do anything to impress you so that you’ll have sex with me.”Are you going to want to have sex with that girl just because she begged you?I want you to think about a company with no boss. I want you to think about a team without a captain or a coach. Think about how a man and a woman are like a team and how they can help each other be better in life. What the team needs is a leader.Life is like a forest that requires a guide. You and this woman are stepping into a forest, this crazy world, and YOU need to be the guide.
A woman doesn’t want to fuck a guy out of charity. She wants to fuck a guy because she is attracted to him. All very simple but crucial to understand.
I’m going to talk about messages now.
Women communicate in messages.
They don’t communicate as much on a literal level as they do on a nonverbal level. So, when you say something to a woman she is listening to what you’re saying but she’s really paying attention to why are you saying this.The whyis the message.This is really easy to understand if you go to a department store for example where there the sales people are working on commission. You go to buy a TV somewhere like a Best Buy or whatever. An amateur salesman, he’s going to say, “Yeah man, you should really buy this TV. It’s great. I mean look at all these features and I mean you can go somewhere else but this is the best deal going.” He’s really talking a mile a minute and he’s really trying hard to convince you how good the TV is.
Put yourself in the shoes of the customer dealing with this salesman and ask: why is he communicating like this? Why is he speaking so fast? Why is he trying to think of so many reasons for me to buy this TV? Why is he even talking about other department stores and what deals they might have?
And the answer to that is that this guy doesn’t really believe in what he’s selling and he’s trying to get your money.
Brian SCubed Call 1 – Intro and Overview1-7So the message that he is sending you is, “This is a shitty TV and I want your money and I’d say anything to get it.” That’s the message.It’s hard to sell a product that sucks, but let’s take a halfway good salesman who believes in the product. He has a TV in mind that he really likes, that he believes is a good TV. You talk to him and he’s saying, “Yeah, for you needs, I would go between either this TV or this TV. They’re both good, but this TV is a little better because x, y, z. I’ll give you some time to think about it. Let me know what you decide.”
Now this salesman is actually sending a message that he believes in his product. “If you decide not to buy it you’re an idiot” because this is a product that you need and he’s not going to pressure you because the product sells itself. It’s inherently valuable.
So the message he’s sending you is, “Because it’s a good TV and you should get it”.
Simple.Now I want you to think about that in terms of a romantic situation. Maybe, sexually, what message are you sending?If you approach a woman and you’re trying really hard to impress her this sends a message that you are shitty in bed, you’re lifestyle sucks, you’re not successful, you’re not accustomed to people liking you, and she will not benefit from getting to know you.That is the Message you’re sending when you put her on the pedestal and your behavior stems from that pedestal mentality… it doesn’t get any simpler than that. You are sending the wrong Message.
Let me talk about the right message and how it’s based on her survival needs, literally how her body has evolved over the eons of evolution.She is smaller and physically weaker and she is the one who gets pregnant, which makes her even more vulnerable if she’s pregnant. She’s also prone to health risks because of the nature of her sexual biology. Think about how a man can’t get raped, really, but a woman can. If a man gets violated like in prison or something crazy like that he’s not going to have a baby. A woman is going to have a baby inside of her.
Because of this, she needs to feel safe. She needs to be physically safe. Also, she needs social alliances and social status. So she needs to be upwardly mobile in terms of her status. She needs to be able to form new friendships, new bonds with relatively powerful people.
She also needs resources. She is not going to be as good of a hunter. Keep in mind what we’re talking about is eons of evolution before we had cities and police and delivery companies that will bring you a couch or even food if you want it. I’m talking about a more primitive life that is really where human beings come from and we’re still wired that way. So, she also needs access to resources. She needs access to brute strength that will manipulate the environment to keep her safe, to keep her fed and nourished and her baby as well. These are deep drives that aren’t necessarily consciously thought of every day, but they are indeed FELT and acted upon every waking moment.She also wants sexual pleasure. Humans and perhaps dolphins (I think) are the only ones that engage in recreational sex. But sexual pleasure is extremely important (more on that later).Because these are her NEEDS (not just mere wants), she can satisfy all these needs by being with a man who is dominant, a man who cares about her and will bond with her for the long term. A man who can give her sexual pleasure, a man who can keep her safe, a man who is successful and will help her be upwardly mobile.Because these are her needs, she has been hard-wired to CONTRIBUTE
She Is Hard-Wired To Contribute
She is wired to play a supportive role in relationships because that is her best-bet at survival. That is the best survival strategy, is keeping a man. Ok?
We all know that sex will keep you with a woman for as long as sex last. Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, an hour, whatever.
For you – what will keep her in your life? Why will you keep seeing her? Why will you develop not just a sexual relationship but a friendship with this woman because you actually like her as a person? Are her personality contributions beneficial to your life?So that’s why for her she is wired to use a supportive role strategy.She is wired to contribute.
Just like you are wired to experience a variety of women, (plant your seed in a variety of different phenotypes and all that kind of scientific talk) if you’re not doing that, you feel like you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do. You get depressed, you feel like your failing at life at a very deep and confusing level.
It’s the same for a woman. If she feels like guys only like her for her body and she’s not able to contribute as a person, as a valuable person on a team, she will feel the same way you feel when you’re not getting laid. She will feel like shit. She’ll feel depressed, frustrated, confused. She won’t be self-actualized at any level.
I’m going to give you guys a real quick story that really hammered this home to for me. I was dating a girl a few years back. This is when I was really starting to work everything out in relation to women. This was after I had met Vin and had gotten very good at starting things with women…. I was dating this girl and she was crazy about me. She would do these really sweet things for me like do projects – making DVDs taken from little videos she’d taken from her phone, adding music and give it to me with a little note attached. Things like that.One time I was going camping in the mountains just outside of Aspen, Colorado. It was my first time ever doing anything like this. And so, I told her about it and she was really excited for me and here’s what she did; she made a care package for me to take with. It had pictures of poisonous plants with little information on the back that she wrote in her curly little girl writing, describing the kind of plant being poison ivy or whatever. “Don’t touch it, grows here and there” etc. She put other things in like a Swiss Army knife, mosquito spray, anti-itch lotion, and some disinfectant. A whole little pack for me. She put it all in a bag and gave it to me. When she did this, I was really touched but I also felt kind of… guilty, and I said:”You know, you do all these things for me and I feel I dont deserve it.”She got mad at me , saying:”It’s not about you. It’s about me. I NEED to do this. This is who I am. If you don’t LET ME do this, I won’t feel like a woman – I’ll feel bad.”So from a male perspective, yes he she was doing all this stuff for meBut really she was doing it for herself and how it made her feel like she was contributing something valuableThink about if you’ve ever played on a sports team or an academic competition where you are part of a team.It’s no fun to be benched.Sure, it’s easy.
…easy to sit on a bench and watch everyone else play. It’s hard to get on the field. You get nervous, get dirty, you might get injured, you get tired, out of breath, and so on.
But you want to be on the field and you want to play.If you don’t get to play and contribute, if you don’t get to express yourselfon that field, you feel bad.
Even though it’s EASIER to sit on the bench, you’d rather play. And that’s what this girl was telling me. “Yeah, I could just sit around and look pretty and not do shit for you. That would be easy. But that’s not me. I NEED to do this. I am wired & made to contribute TO YOU, to your life. If you don’t let me, I will feel bad.And that’s something that guys mustwrap their minds around.
You’re giving a woman, when we talk about Scubed and getting her compliance, shaping her, leading towards your vision.
A lot of guys will be held back because they feel they don’t deserve it. It’s not about whether or not hedeserves it. She needs to do it- and if you don’t LET HER do it, she’s going to find a guy who will let her do it. Ok?
Immediately the guy that pops into my mind is this guy I knew back in my hometown. He didn’t have a job, I think he sold drugs (but even that he wasn’t very committed to). But he had really solid game. I think actually his uncle might have been a pimp (in the literal sense of the word).
Basically he would just get women to do things for him.
…it was the fact that they were doing it for him that made them attracted to him.
He was giving them an opportunity to be who they were, to be a woman.So for example, he’d have a woman pick him up, buy him food, buy him clothes, and give him money.From a man’s perspective – if another man said, “Hey man, pick me up, buy me clothes, get me money….” You’d say, “Fuck you.”
But for a woman you say, “Hey baby, I really need a ride and it will give us some time to spend with each other and there’s this shirt I really want. If you get it for me, we’ll be able to go out and look great together; we’ll look like a really hot couple. “And the girl is going to be like ” Yeah, ok. Cool.”You’re giving her an opportunity to be who she wants to be – which is a supportive, nurturing person.This guy would do that.
It was basically his entire “game”. That was all he would do.
He always had attractive women with him…
… and he would be in the passenger seat of their S.U.V. as they drove him around and bought him things.
Really quick and I’ll tell you what, that the natural transformation equation, which is what we teach in our boot camps and how that applies in Scubed. That’s the best way that I can think of to perceive forward with this dominance.Scubed applies to dominance in this way.Back to the point.
You do not seek approval from women.
You do not put them above you.
You decide what you do.
You come first.
Your priorities.Your interests.Your desires.Your intention is your top priority. Hers are not your top priority, yours are.
You have a vision (we’re going to talk about this in the next section.)
You have a vision about where you’re going in life.
You have goals.You have things that you want to do.
You have standards.
You have standards for the kind of people you allow in to your life.
You are the authority on whether or not someone should be in your life, not the other way around.
You are not trying to appease others (especially women) so that they let you be in their lives. You completely flip that.
3. Compliance – INS, US frame, screening, charisma
You do not put pressure on her for sex.First of all, sex is notsomething you were trying to get. Her vagina is not made of gold. You never leer-never leering, hovering, trying to make moves.
The attitude is one of not trying to “get sex” from her. Instead, you give it to her as a rewardfor her contribution. This is huge – and it’s what actually turns women on (much more on this to come later).This requires that she contributes something.Most guys fuck this order up… and it’s the cause of all their problems.
They’re acting on faulty script.First, they try to get sex before she has done anything to earn it (no, merely looking good does not constitute earning it).
In essence this just looks like the guy is needy.
So instead you want to get compliancefirst and then offer some form of escalation. Some kind of step forward in the interaction, a step which moves you toward sex.
Obviously it’s not like she buys you a drink and then you have sex with her – but rather – something more like she buys you a drink and then you put your hand on her back and say, “Thank you sweetie. That was really nice of you” in a deep warm tone of voice.
What this says (the Message) is: my touch, myphysicality, my sexuality is a reward for your contribution.Do you see how this is “flipping the script”Scubed applies to leadership, alright, the third level of N.T.E. It applies to leadership by: you’re moving forward, your using logistics to get compliance.
Another example: you’re going on a date with a girl…… she must bring something to make the date more fun or interesting…or prior to meeting up, you give her guidance on how to dress (something that YOU would like to see her in)… in other words, she is putting in work, contributing to her and your interaction
Demonstrating Your Vision
You always want to be demonstrating your mission and larger vision for your life – putting your tasks and your goals first.So if you’re working on a project, and you would have to compromise that project in order to see her, you don’t see her. You keep working on your project.
Sure, it’s tough – being horny, perhaps desperate and not having a lot of options – it’s easy to put everything down just to get a chance to have sexWomen can smell this, they can smell this on you, and it’s not attractive.Logistically, you can create a ton of sexual tension especially with, sexual in your window in your text messages. That’s, I do that a lot. It’s a really easy way to get her thinking about sex with you and also getting to meet up. In fact, the fact that she is thinking about sex with you will motivate her to meet up with you because, remember, women need sexual pleasure. And then in a, Jillian talk a ton of it, about this, and there are no flakes program. In fact, the No Flakes program is all about using a new window and stuff to make logistics happen so women don’t flake on you. In terms of specifics, I’m going to talk about the four types of techniques that talks about in Scubed.
Understand, it doesn’t always have to be material things she does, like treating you to a drink or her picking you up. It can be the sort of contribution where she makes a funny joke, or she has a great sense of humor, or she has good insights in conversation with her.
In fact, I typically think more about her personality compliance rather than her doing stuff for me (although, they’re both part of Compliance, Shaping. I actually think shaping is Complianceas well, its emotional compliance where she is actually changing her personality to fit your life, to fit you. This may seem like something that’s impossible to do but it’s not. And a perfect example is. The thing is, if you guys have sex with a woman, been intimate with a woman and you tell her things that you like or she finds out that you like to have this with that done and she works on it. She might even go home and buy a book and figure out some new techniques to please you. Shell do it in sex, I mean shell do it in other parts of her personality as well.
Basically, Shaping is her modifying what she can contribute so that it fits your lifestyle, fits your vision. Then again, it’s knowing what you want and bringing her along with you. Rather than the other way around. Men are always trying to find out what women want and then trying to fit in to a woman’s life, that’s not attractive. Then that only lead to problems because again, a woman doesn’t want to be in a pedestal, she doesn’t want to be the leader, she wants you to be the leader. She doesn’t want to bring you into her life.
She wants to be brought in to yours.
Today were talking about Compliance, a term that I use a lot now. When I talk about Compliance, it’s a term that a lot of people understand much better than the technical term of Complianceand that is a so-called “pot committed”. If you play poker, you know there’s this term called “pot committed.” Basically, in a hand, people call, raise, and put in their chips–their money. When you put in a certain amount of money, it’s hard to fold. It’s hard to give up and cut your losses because you’ve committed so much money to it, so many chips. Mentally, it will be difficult for you to give up at that point. You’ve invested so much that it will be hard for your brain to deal with the emotional upset of, why you would put this money into it and now give up and let it go.Assess if there’s still a slim chance that you might win, that you might come out on top with more money. That’s basically the same thing as compliance. I’m using it as a very simple, layman’s term, a metaphor for what’s really going on with Compliance and why Compliance is so effective.
Compliance is essentially getting a woman “pot committed” to you. She’s invested in you. We can all see why that would be so useful. If a woman feels like she’s putting in a lot of work to attract you, to get you, she’s going to feel more invested in you. She’s going to feel more motivated to maintain a relationship with you and to keep you in her life. She’s not going to want to fold. To fold, or to give you up, would be very stressful on her mind.
When a woman is pot committed or invested in you, it’s very hard for her to give you up, or to fold in a relationship. No matter how short that relationship is.
This is the beauty of Compliance because you begin getting Compliance from a woman right off the bat. A lot of the stuff I’m going to talk about will be ways to get Compliance that you maybe didn’t think about before. A lot of it is concrete stuff; get her to buy you a drink, or get her to buy you something, get her to drive to your place. All these are concrete, physical actions.
In my personal experience, the most powerful Compliance you can get from a woman is Emotional Compliance. If you can get Emotional Compliance, Material Compliance is nothing. You won’t need a technique, you just fucking ask for it.
Brian SCubed Call 3 – Compliance3-2So Emotional Compliance might hold game. It’s really not “game.” It’s just you being you, all the fucking way with women.When we say game, we’re talking about the context of dating and dealing with women. My game, my whole method with women is, I want them to reveal their true selves. I do this with the intention that, I want to see who she really is so I can decide where she sits in my life.
I’m going to say that one more time.
I want to draw women out. I want to find out who she really is. I want her to express her personality as honestly as possible so that I can figure out where she’s going to sit in my life.
If this is a girl that I really like, I really click with, and I really like who she is as a person–we’re talking long term potential. That’s where she fits in my life.
If this is a girl who’s cool for a little while, she’s fun but we don’t have a lot in common after a couple of hours in hanging out, it starts to get boring, or we just don’t click that well but there’s definitely a level of sexual attraction here, she’s going to fit in a different place in my life than the other girl.
That’s why I focus on enjoying the woman now. A byproduct of doing that is, she becomes emotionally invested in me.
Try to think about a time you talked to someone you didn’t know very well, but for some reason you ended up telling them a deep secret, or something very personal to you.
You ended up having to tell this person about it. In your mind, what you’re going to do after that is make that person your friend. You see them as your ally. So, you actually mentally make yourself perceive that person as being on your side, as being there to help you, as being someone you are relying on to getyou in whatever situation is at hand.
If you guys remember the first phone call, women are looking to bond with a strong man so that they have a better chance of survival. In the society that we live in now, this is not so relevant. The survival needs are different, but the wiring is the same in the mind. That’s because evolution takes a long fucking time.
Then you invest yourself emotionally in someone. You tell them a secret. You tell something very personal about you. You tell them a deep insecurity you have. You tell them about your hopes or a goal that you have. In your mind, you make that person more than they were before, and here’s why–because it would be too painful for you to acknowledge that you just told a deep dark secret to someone who doesn’t give shit about you.
That would be very emotionally painful. We want to avoid emotional pain. One of the functions of our mind is to avoid emotional pain.
So, you will change your mind so that you can avoid emotional pain.The emotional pain comes from having invested emotionally, or on a materialistic level, having paid money to someone, or to some entity that doesn’t give a shit about you. In fact, they have a different agenda outside of your best interest.
That’s a very scary, upsetting thought, and one of the functions of the ego, the conscious mind, is to protect your self-esteem. It makes you feel important, so that you don’t feel worthless. That way you can get up the next day and continue to survive, to find food, and work, earn money, and take care of those around you. So be very judgmental to your self-esteem.
To think that you would do something as stupid as tell a deep, dark secret, or reveal an insecurity to someone who doesn’t give a shit about you would be very judgmental to your self-esteem. Your mind wants to protect your self-esteem. The ego protects itself. This is why Compliance works.
Now, this may all sound very Machiavellian. I’m going to get women to do things for me so that they have to trick themselves into thinking that they like me and I’m important to them, and that I care about them.Remember what I said about my intention when I deal with women. I want to draw them out for the purpose of figuring out where they fit into my life. That’s all.
A side effect of this is that they become emotionally invested or pot committed.
When you get a woman that expresses a lot about who she is, she is now invested in you. I’m not doing this because I want to manipulate her. It’s a byproduct that she will mentally want to be around me. She will want to bond with me. She will make me more trustworthy in her mind, and, in her perception, I will care about her more. Then perhaps, I really do. That’s what’s going on in her mind. This emotional investment is a side effect of me drawing a woman out. This is just the nature of things. This is how human emotions work. This is how interactions work.In my experience, if I can get a woman emotionally committed to me
Brian SCubed Call 3 – Compliance3-4If I need her, or I want her, to commit in some other way, or give me some other compliance, it’s very easy because money, or wealth, don’t bring happiness. If you think about that, what that means is that emotional happiness and well-being is above material wealth.
How you feel about yourself in day to day happiness is more valuable than any money or anything you could attain.
If you can get a woman to feel happy around you, she’ll do anything for you because there’s nothing compared to the happiness she’s got with you.
She’ll buy you something, or do something for you, or drive you around, or do whatever the fuck you want because she feels happy around you, and that completely overshadows any materialistic endeavor she could have towards you.Let’s look at what makes a person happy. What makes a person want to be around someone else in order to feel happy? You have to feel like you can be yourself around them.
I’ve known people who I admired, respected, and looked up to, but when I was around them, I felt really nervous and actually didn’t want to be around them. Maybe I want to learn something from them, or get something from them, or I wanted their approval. But I definitely did not want to just hang around with them.
I didn’t feel good about myself around them. I felt inferior. If you want people to be happy with you, happy around you, and feel good around you, they have to feel good about themselves when they’re with you.
If you want a woman to invest her emotions in you, or to express her personality and really show you who she is, you have to create a relational dynamic with her where she feels happy around you and validated by youThe times that we feel the most happy are when we feel like we can be our true selves. We can say exactly what’s on our minds. We can relax around people, knowing that whatever silly joke or stupid comment we make is not going to be ridiculed, and it’s not going to get us ostracized, isolated or rejected. It’s just going to be accepted and responded to.
Think about the way you interact with your close friends who’ve known you for years, think that you’re a cool person, like you and appreciate you. You can crack a stupid joke. You don’t always have to say witty, interesting things. You can just be your same, boring, normal self, and they still love, accept, and appreciate you.
That’s the dynamic you want with women.
4. Shaping – terms of R – I don’t wnat a gf, d precedent, permission,
Like I have said over and over and over, the only reason all this stuff works, and why it’s actually necessarythat you do it, is because women are looking to contribute, and to support, and to help you.
Again, this is because this is the first physical condition, evolutionarily, and the one that she’s been in for eons.
Her strategy is based on being supportive or contributive. That means that she is actually wired, she is predisposed, to be able to shift gears to support and to help. Basically, she can supplement whatever you are, or whatever you need.
Women obviously have their own personalities, but they have different sides that they will show to you depending on what you tell them to do. As a guy, my personality is pretty much stable all the time.The person I am to my mom, to my friends, to girls that I’m dating, to a stranger on the street, is almost always the same. But you will actually see women altering their personalities a little bit.
That’s not to say they change who they are, they change their interest, their inclination, the type of person they are, but they will change the character traits that they show to people. They’ll either accentuate them or diminish them.
For example, a girl can be really rude to one person, maybe another girl that’s she’s jealous of, and then immediately switch gears and be really nice to another girl who she doesn’t feel threatened by. A girl can be a really, really nice, a really sweet daddy’s girl to her dad and parents, and then the next second be really wild, and sexually promiscuous if she’s with a group of guys who are wild, bad boys. Then she can go to her boyfriend and be really conservative and traditional, and even hold out on sex. Pretend that she’s not very sexual simply because he doesn’t draw that side out of her.
What you have to understand is that you’re always shaping, always.You’re never not shaping because the nature of a male female relationship is that the woman is always looking to you for guidance on how to act. Now, if you are looking for her guidance on how you should act, and she’s looking for guidance from you, we’ve got a big fucking mess. Your role is to be the guide, or the leader, and her role is to adapt.
A very obvious example is this; when on a date with a woman, she asks what you are going to do, and you respond that you don’t know, what does she want to do?
Brian SCubed Call 4 – Shaping4-4I should have used contrasting evidence, which is one of the techniques I’m going to go over later. You’re explicitly shaping by telling her what you like about her, what you want in a woman, and you’re also implicitly shaping by telling her how important she is to you. In telling her these things you are shaping how she should treat you, and what kinds of behavior you expect. Shaping really comes down to what you expect from others, and as a man, how you believe women should treat you.
This is what happens with low self-esteem. Not having a lot of experience with women can really hold you back until you become consciously aware of your shaping.You’re always shaping. Up until this point, you guys probably weren’t aware of it. Most guys are not aware that they’re Shaping. This is a really advanced, very powerful mental tool to use when dealing with women. Almost no guys do this.You need to figure out what you want women to do for you. If you’re over-thinking it, it’s because you haven’t worked it out ahead of time. With over-thinking contrast of events of, you’re having difficulties of contrast of events. If you don’t have a plan ahead of time, you’re going to see something that maybe isn’t optimal, or something that you don’t absolutely like that the girl is doing. You’re going to say that you can see she’s doing x, but even at that point your mind is going to be racing, trying to think of the “but,” to think of what’s the opposite of that the action you don’t like. You’ve got to figure it out ahead of time.
For me, when I approach a woman, especially at first, contrast events is very powerful. In the first few minutes’ ill approach a woman and I’m going to be silly, and she’s going to be kind of sassy or whatever, and trying to give me attitude or trying to act aloof. Can’t I figure ahead of time how I want women to act when I approach them?
Brian SCubed Call 4 – Shaping4-5I want them to be friendly. I want them to be relaxed. I want them to be open to meeting new people and interested in others. I want them to be in a social, talkative, friendly mood. So, for a girl who gives me something that I don’t like, I will instantly know what to contrast to.
I’ll approach a girl, and she’ll be kind of just cold and not really talking that much or seeing that she’s not like that interested, and I’ll say, ” It seems like you’re in a kind of serious mood right now.” At that point, when you’re comfortable with people, you will be able to relax and be a silly dork. She’s just not talking a lot. If she’s been really quiet. I’ll say, “It seems like you’re shy.” Or maybe, “You take a while to warm up to people you just met. But I bet you’re the kind of person that just has a lot to say about a lot of different things. And sometimes you don’t know when it’s ok to really tell people how you feel and share your opinions.”
is that the nature of a woman says, wants you to want her.
That’s what their energy says to a man. She wants you to want her.
The man’s energy says, you want her.It’s two kinds of different energies that interact; man says he wants her, and woman says she wants him to want her. The order goes with the woman saying first, “I want you to want me” and the men respond with “I want you.”
The way that this plays out is the woman already has good things about her personality. You want her to dance them out for you. This is not the image of a stripper giving you a lap dance or a belly dancer. You want her to dance out a specific dance that you have taught her. She’s the one doing the dance, and it’s her body and it’s her energy doing it. It came from her, but you had to kind of coach it and guide it, and when she does this dance for you, that arouses your desire. That arouses your erection for her, and, like David Deita says, you’re responding with, “I want you.”
If she dances, she’s dancing to make you want her, and then you respond that you want her. Then that’s where you escalate; you take more of an interest, show appreciation. That encourages her dance all the more, and makes that dance much better. That’s the dynamic that you want with women, and you will see that the more you do this, the better your response is, the better your relationships are. The less you do this, you’re always doing it, but the less conscious you are of it, the more out of control you’ll feel in your relationships, and the more problems you’ll have with women.
The goal through your life is to play more of the masculine role ,coach her to dance for you, and then reward her, and be paying attention to where she fits in your life, keeping in mind what standards you have, what values you have, what you expect from people, and constantly communicating this to others, so that they know how to treat you.
5. Sexual tension – barrier and power play, shape to pull and have sex fast without judgement
In terms of sexual tension, I think it’s important to get really clear about who you are and what you want out of sex. You need to express that, but at the same time it’s just like shaping… you couple that with the ability to let go. You do this in conversation in the initial interaction, by stating who you are and being clear on the kind of man you are. A lot of times I’ll ask my clients,“If a woman talked to you for five minutes, do you think you’d be able to imagine what she’d be like in bed?”
Brian SCubed Call 6 – Conclusion6-10That’s a really powerful thing to think about because I think, a lot of times, women just CAN’T picture being in bed with you.Personally, I’ve met so many women who have nice bodies, pretty faces and they’re nice people — and yet, for some reason, I just can’t picture myself fucking them…and I won’t do it. I just don’t have any motivation. There won’t be any drive to want to do that.Most guys are already picturing sex with the woman. For women, it’s not quite like that.Women are extremely horny, just as horny if not morethan guys, but they’re not going to be thinking about sex with you until they get to a certain point with you — until they feel comfortable and familiar with you. And THEN they’ll think about sex with you CONSTANTLY……but you have to get there first.With most guys, in the way they express themselves, you just can’t imagine him fucking the girl.The girl can’t imagine being fucked by this guy:
* He’s timid in his expression.
* He talks too quietly.
* He’s not touching, which means he’s probably physically unsure of himself.
* All of his conversation is very logical and safe (small talk and things like that).
…and so the woman really can’t picture sleeping with him.What you want is a woman picturing sex with you without feeling pressureto do so.The way to do this is to talk about your sexuality and to be interested in her sexuality, and then to respond to that in an appreciative, curious way.For example you can talk about yourself in terms of telling the woman that you like to be really dominant, but you’re also very affectionate, very warm. You like to be in control, but you’re not aggressive or rough. You’re very sensual, very caring, but you love feeling that you’re in total control of a woman’s body and holding her as if she belonged to you.I’ll say this to her and tell herthis is just how I think about sex. With the tone of voice that it doesn’t mean we have to DO IT now (hint hint, nudge nudge), but rather, we’re just two adults having a conversation — and she WILL start picturing these things.Perhaps she’ll respond that it sounds really nice. Sometimes she likes being aggressive herself. She likes it when a guy is aggressive with me. There’re times for that.I’ll say, “Yeah, I have my moments too. I just want to grab a woman and just bend her over and just grab her hair and just pound on her as hard as I can just to give it to her and just not give a shit about her pleasure and just make her feel me.” I literally say this.Obviously this woman is going to be picturing this.When I say it, my voice is loud — as if I expect her to listen, as if I want to be heard — and I’m looking into her eyes. I want her to listen. I want her to understand what I’m saying. I want her to picture it.On a side note — a question that a lot of guys ask is how close you should stand with a woman. Here is the answer. YOU want to stand close enough so that you can feel the warmth of her body, but no closer.Obviously, you can get closer at some point, but in terms of right off the bat, you want to feel her body heat. And you want her to feel yours. That’s when you get into the zone- that little space where you’re close enough to feel the heat of her body, which means she can feel yours. This creates an incredible charge to an interaction. It literally adds that heat to it, that spark to it.Eye contact. Obviously, when you talk and when you move your hands to express your ideas, you should be doing it fully — loud and dynamic enough so she cannot ignore you. She will FEEL what you’re saying.
Brian SCubed Call 6 – Conclusion6-11You just talk openly about who you are sexually, and be genuinely interested and curious about her sexuality. When you do this, a woman gets extremely turned on — and this motivates her to get to know you, to really want to see you again, to continue the interaction and the sexual tension.In fact, I don’t think about attraction anymore. I think about creating a sexual vibe with a woman.Typically, when people think about “attraction,” they think about “value” (how cool you are, how smart you are, etc), but unfortunately, that’s something that you can’t change in the two seconds it takes to walk up to the woman — you’re already where you are and that’s that. You’re either good enough or you’re not, and you can’t change it in that moment.After the night is over, you can go back to the drawing board and fix some things in your life, but at the moment you see that woman, you’re probably only going to get one chance to talk to her — so you’ve got to go do it and just see. If she doesn’t think you’re good enough for whatever reason, that’s ok, fine ,whatever — at least you tried.What I dothink about when dealing with women is creating a charge, a spark, because what I’ve found is that thatis where real attraction is. It’s SEXUAL attraction.That’s why you talk to a woman… because she’s a woman, and you’re a man. If she were another man, it would be nothing more than a normal conversation, and you would probably never see each other again. I meet guys all the time in the bar and have just as cool and fun of a conversation as I would with any woman… but we don’t number-close each other or make plans to meet up. With a woman, add the fact that she’s a woman, I’m a man, to the fact that we have fun together — now we exchange numbers and setup to see each other again. It’s that sexual polarity that creates the spark.
I’m going to talk a lot about how I incorporate the sexuality into my interactions, and the term Sexual Tension to me means that there’s a sexual spark, there’s the potential for sex to occur between you and the woman. But it has a hit. And there’s also an absence of pressure. So, it’s very similar to Vin’s definition where he say that Sexual Tension is a controlled arousal state in the absence of overt sexual advances.
Overt sexual advances means putting pressure on the woman. I think that’s why overt sexual advances tend to ruin the vibe, ruin sexual tension, and make women put up resistance. It is not that you’re talking about sex, it is that you’re talking about sex in a way where she feels like you’re pressuring her to have sex with you.
A lot of times it’s better to just not talk about it. There are so many guys who want to talk about sex, or use their window so she doesn’t resist. What’s really going on is that there’s an internal neediness within you, and she can feel it, and that’s the real thing.
When we’re talking about how to create sexual tension, I think there’s this myth that talking about sex eliminates sexual tension. That’s a false causality. What’s really causing her resistance or ruining the sexual tension is your internal need for it, that she can sense it and that
Brian SCubed Call 5 – Sexual Tension5-3it just feels like pressure. It feels like emotional pressure. You’re trying to get her to do something.
I talk openly about sex. Not too openly– I’m not going to say every little thing I like to do and get into graphic detail. But I’m open about my sexuality. I talk about it, and I’m interested in hers. Very interested in hers. I’ll share how to get her to talk about her sexuality in a little while. But I do this in a way that there’s no pressure, that I’m not talking about it like I’m suggesting maybe she and I can do it. It’s more sharing what I like doing, and asking what she likes doing. It’s much more centered, and relaxed, and not pressured.
There’s no pressure involved, and the less pressure she feels, the more likely she is to want to do it. When you put sexual thoughts into someone’s head, they get turned on, and being turned is a motivator to have sex.At the same time, there’s no pressure.
We all know how we feel when someone tells you to do something. If someone wants you to do something at work, you instantly don’t want to do it. When a woman feels free to be sexual, she will, because women are extremely sexual. And that brings me to my first point.
Women really, really, really like sex, just as much, if not more, than men.
The difference, the reason why there’s this kind of general myth that women aren’t as horny as guys is because women don’t go all day thinking about it. Maybe they do sometimes. Especially if there’s a guy that they’re sleeping with regularly, they’ll think about him during the day, while they are at work.
Some guys naturally have confidence with girls, but for the average guy just talking to a cute girl can be nerve-racking. In this article I’m going to debunk some myths about confidence, and how a guy can truly develop confidence with girls.
Confidence is often misunderstood. Often when we someone who looks confident isn’t really thinking confidently. Internally, confidence is the expectation of success, of a positive outcome. But externally, confidence looks like calm focus. Interestingly, when someone is simply focused on a task, they externally look calmly focused as well.
So having a present task focus looks the same as confidence. And this is why we commonly mistake focus for confidence. Think about the most confident looking guys – professional athletes. I always picture Michael Jordan because I’m an 80’s baby. I remember a video I had about MJ’s life story that I watched every day as a kid. In one of the interviews he said that on some nights, the basket looked like a “big ol’ bucket, and every shot was easy.” But he made it clear this was the exception, when he was in the zone. Most of the time, MJ was just extremely focused on his job – keep moving, get free, line up, and aim for the back of the rim.
In interviews with athletes, reporters always ask the same questions:
What were you thinking going into the game? Did you expect to win? What was your strategy?
And always, athletes say the same thing:
I knew what I had to do to win. I knew that if we worked hard, and played our game (i.e. stayed focused) we’d have a good chance. We did our job today and came away with the win.
Notice how there is NO expectation of success, just focus on the task at hand. Also, credit is given to the team, not taken for oneself. This illustrates my point about how “confidence” often is really task-focus, but it also shows what task focus is all about – team work.
Effective leaders, and successful people in general, are team-oriented. They don’t take credit, they give it, because they know that they are stronger when their team is strong. A true leader wants to get the best out of others. Think about how this applies to social interactions. If you want to look confident, don’t try to trick yourself into expecting a positive outcome. Instead, stay focused on the task at hand. And what is the task? Building your team by drawing out the best in others.
A guy who has confidence with girls thinks the same way, because he is not trying to prove himself. Instead he wants to find out if the girl worth his while, and the best way to get her to demonstrate her value is by making her feel confident in herself.
Occasionally you will fall into “the zone” and feel like you’re “on.” But don’t count on it. Over time, you’ll find yourself in the zone more often as you gain experience with girls. Truly you’ll expect a positive result, and this is when you’ll have confidence with girls.
The reason why I advocate focus over confidence is that it’s the easiest way to get the immediate positive feedback that gradually snowballs into positive beliefs. If you are nervous around girls, but can focus on making the next girl you see smile, and you succeed, this will start a feedback loop. Just like a snowball rolls down a snow-covered hill gaining size and momentum, a belief that women like you and that you are attractive starts with small successes. Over time, these successful experiences become embedded in your perception of reality. You begin to expect success.
But these successes, these small positive reactions from girls, require focus. Focus is how to move past your fear and execute your goal. You see a cute girl and feel butterflies, but you focus on making the girl feel good about herself. You tell her she looks cute today, or something equally light and complimentary. This makes her feel confident with you and she will open up and talk more freely. This is what you want. On top of this, she perceives you as having confidence with girls, and we all know that confidence is the first thing women list when they describe what attracts them to a guy.
So not only does she feel great, an attractive guy gave her this feeling, and she is motivated to direct her expression towards you. This is a positive, sexually charged interaction begins. And remember – even thought it appears that you have confidence with girls, all you’re really doing is focusing as a leader, on the task at hand, which means building the confidence of others.
Most guys are waiting for that magical day when they have confidence with girls. Maybe you’re waiting for the day when you have a nicer car, more money, a cooler job, better clothes, bigger muscles, or whatever. The bottom line is confidence with anything takes time to develop. You WILL NOT be confident from the start. But the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll have confidence with girls. It’s crucial that you give yourself time to learn and develop. If you avoid approaching girls for fear of making a mistake or embarrassing yourself, you will never progress. In fact, it’s the mistakes and embarrassment that give you confidence, because you soon realize that failure doesn’t really hurt you.
Your fear goes away once you realize that rejection is not that big of a deal. You can read this a million times, but you must see for yourself to believe it. As you lose your fear, your focus and actions become more powerful. This will result in more positive reactions from girls, reducing your fear even more. In fact, you can think about confidence as a total lack of fear. You don’t expect to lose. But you don’t necessarily expect to win. You focus on the task at hand: giving confidence to others. And this how guys think when they have confidence with girls.Continue reading >>