It’s sad to say, but most men have no idea what they are doing in bed. It’s not due to lack of intelligence or experience, but instead, a bad focus.
Men treat sex as a performance.
Ironically, it’s this focus on “performance” that makes men nervous in bed, leading to premature ejaculation or not “achieving” an erection (as if it were an achievement).
Men are very competitive, and unfortunately this competitiveness carries over into their sex lives.
I say “unfortunately” because sex, to me, is a unique opportunity to relax, let go, be in the moment, and forget yourself. This is an attitude that most men don’t share, as I’ve learned from talking to women I have been intimate with.
I’ve had a lot of clients who felt they were sexually inexperienced, and this made them nervous and insecure around women. What I explained to them was that many men with a lot of experience were still HORRIBLE in bed, even into their 40’s and 50’s.
It’s not about how many women you’ve slept with, or what freaky activities you’ve done. It’s about your attitude.
For a time, my main goal with women was to have sex with them as fast as possible. I got pretty good at it, but I quickly realized that this was ultimately unsatisfying to me.
When I had sex, it felt rushed and uncomfortable. This doesn’t make for being good in bed. Think about it – you are entering another human being, and sharing a very vulnerable, intimate side of yourself. Sure, as men, we risk very little, biologically. After all, it’s the woman that gets pregnant. The man can move on and make more babies.
But emotionally, sex is very intimate, no matter how tough of a guy you think you are. If you are treating the woman like a conquest, a “touchdown,” you will create anxiety in yourself, and sabotage a potentially amazing experience with another human being.
So how to make the most out of your sexual experiences, and be a great lover? We’ll use what I call the ACE system.
When you get intimate with a woman, touching her, taking her clothes off, kissing her body…say with your eyes, hands, and mouth, “I love your body. Thank you for being so beautiful.”
Learn how she likes to be touched, kissed, licked, and fucked. Pay attention to her responses, and occasionally ask her, “How does that feel? Do you like to be touched/licked/fucked harder? Softer? Slower? Faster? Here? There? Tell me what you like, woman.”
When you are inside her, penetrate her body with all your energy, all your emotion. Think about how an elite athlete – Michael Jordan, Barry Sanders, Drew Brees – penetrates, expresses himself, gives it his all. Fuck women like this. Show her who you are, and communicate your masculinity, through your hands, mouth, and dick, with full, unbridled ruthlessness. Grab her, spank her, tell her how much she turns you on. Express yourself.