Women Aren’t Your Enemies

At work you could meet a guy who wants your job or wants to get the promotion you’re going for and so you’re in competition with him.

Or maybe a guy who doesn’t like you or wants to assert his status over you. With women there’s no competition, there’s only potential connection. That’s my attitude when I meet a woman. it’s almost like we’re already friends. And so I just play and joke around and talk as if we know each other already.

Sometimes we don’t have chemistry, so it doesn’t really work out but that’s okay because my attitude is not to get every single woman. My attitude is to screen for someone who’s right for me. Now, does that mean that I end up not sleeping with a lot of women that I could if I were trying to adapt a little more?

Yeah, probably, but I value my time and my attention in my life much more than I do some stranger. And also no particular women – at least at first – is that important to me because I have the ability to meet women all the time.

So it’s not like I’m only going to meet three women in my entire life and I have to make each one count. If it doesn’t work out with this particular girl, even if she’s the hottest girl in the bar – the hottest girl I’ve seen in a couple days, it’s okay because I can meet another woman.

Thinking Too Much

(PEDESTAL MENTALITY/BAD MESSAGING)

For you to change your lifestyle, you need to change how you think. The best way to do this is with introspection. Thinking about who you are. You can achieve this by making adjustments in your behavior that become strong habits, and developing an overall framework within which you work. A bunch of techniques is not going to get you there. It needs to become innate. You are a guy who does these things naturally.

I’ve actually noticed that in my conversations with women, the higher the quantity of my thoughts, the less of a spark there is, and the less success I have.

I’ve had a lot of success by not thinking too much about any little thing. I can do that at this point because I have had the experience and developed the habits that are good for women such as touching escalation. It is second nature to me. I don’t have to think about it.

In the beginning, this is not going to be a useful mental strategy, but this is what you want to be working towards. You really want to stop thinking so much because a woman can tell if you are constantly, frantically trying to come up with things to say.

Think what message that sends her. Think about what that tells her about you, that you are really impressed by her, probably see her as above you. You put her on a pedestal, and you don’t think that you’re good enough. Maybe you’re really not as intelligent, charming and successful as you’re saying because you have to think so hard in order to convey those things. It just sends bad messages.

Feedback changes your beliefs

A big thing that I’ve done is remind myself of experiences that support the new belief I want. So I’ll remember them by writing them down.

I made a list of every single good thing women had said to me about sex.

Everything from, “I love your cock.” To “We have awesome sex.”

It was a limited amount of experiences that I’d had but I would remember those experiences and remind myself of that.

So I started to change my belief. However, I still had habits. Behavioral habits that I was doing. There were still these neural pathways that had etched deep into my brain.

For instance, I use this note-taking software on my phone now, and what i’ve found is that every time I had an idea, I would reach for a pen and paper.

I would pat my pockets frantically searching for my notepad, forgetting about the awesome new software I had at my disposal. Over time I had to consciously pick up my phone and hit the note taking icon and record a note verbally.

I knew this new note-taking software was better, but I was still instinctively grasping for my pen and paper. I had the right belief but I still had this old physical habit.

So it can go in 2 directions where there’s a lag between beliefs and behavior. The problem with the lag is it can lead to negative feedback.

That’s huge.

It’s something that people don’t think about. But there’s going to be incongruence there. It’s the number one thing women are looking for. They are screening for authenticity.

It triggers her deception radar. What your saying is different than what you really believe.

That might not actually be true, it might just be that there’s a lag between your beliefs and your behavior.

You might be saying something that’s good. That would typically be charming or interesting to women, but your beliefs don’t back it up.

So she feels weird around you. Now she’s going to respond in a negative way.

Now you’re going to get the unconscious feedback loop. Your brain is going to make the connection that that wasn’t a good thing to say. Even though it might have been.

If you were talking about something you’re passionate about. Maybe you love to draw.

And you’re talking about your love of drawing. But you might have this belief in your head that women don’t like you, or women don’t think your artistic interests are cool.

So you’re focused on drawing but there’s going to be a little bit of an incongruence there. She’s not going to know exactly where the incongruence comes from but you’re just going to look a little off or strange when you’re talking about how much you love drawing.

She might think that you’re making it up. She might think that there’s something weird about you or that you have your mind on other things.

There’s a lot of conclusions she can draw, but fundamentally she just feels a little nervous because you’re inconsistent. And that gave you a negative reaction.

It starts a negative feedback loop that talking about your passion for drawing is a bad thing. Well it’s not. You were just inconsistent because of your beliefs.

That’s kind of why I developed I:PA*CE. So that I can actually think that I’m pretty awesome.

I can have these beliefs that I’m a catch. Believe that I’m good in bed and good with women.

If I was to approach with that kind of player smirk because it’s something I did for so long.

The player smirk looks like it’s coming from a belief of trying to tell her what you she wants to hear so that she’ll sleep with me.

When really my belief is she would be lucky to sleep with me and so I’m giving her a chance here.

I’m coming from a powerful place but my outward behavior doesn’t match up.

And so I’m going to get negative feedback from her. She’s going to be turned off because of my movements and my facial expressions.

And what that’s going to do is create a negative feedback loop where I start to doubt my own beliefs. These new beliefs I’m trying to form.

These new beliefs that I have about being good in bed or that women like me. Those will start to actually get negatively reinforced, and those beliefs might start to diminish.

I might start to have the feeling that women don’t like me. And so these beliefs that I’m trying to form are hindered.

I:PA*CE keeps you congruent so it naturally leads to empowering beliefs because it will create a positive feedback loop.

Screening for a Partner

Let’s think about what you’d want in a life partner and how to find her. Obviously you’d want a woman that turns you on. You want someone that you can have fun with, someone that you actually enjoy talking to, and you may want to be thinking about what kind of mom she’ll be. So you’d want someone who’s caring, patient and intelligent.

Someone who’s not super obsessed with her own achievements; her story. Very down-to-earth. Then you start screening for that kind of person. The first screen is just “Does she turn you on?” That’s number one.

And you can see that visually; you can tell just from looking at her. And so within the range of women that turn you on, approach them and see if you can just have fun with them. See if they can joke around with you. See if they have similar senses of humor. If you’re thinking about a long-term partner, what your focus should be is to act how you would act after you already got to know her pretty well.

Act how you would act like you’re already close friends. That’s really what I do. I’ve described how I deal with women in different ways, but the way I’m really acting, if you look at it, is I’m just acting as if I’ve known her for a long time.

There’s a huge difference between how you act to someone you’ve known a very long time and someone you’ve just met. Especially someone you want to impress. Now you want to get something from them.

In this case you want sex. You want her time, you want validation. Think about the difference. Think about what you think about with your best friend Vs. what you don’t think about.

When you’re with a good friend or someone you know and you feel comfortable with, you’re just not thinking all that much. You’re kind of just saying the first thing that enters your mind. You’re also concerned about their wellbeing and learning about them.

If you haven’t seen them in a while, asking how they’ve been. A lot times, when I first meet a woman, I’ll ask her “What are you up to?” Or “How’s your day going?”

Something really boring but the tonality I have is expressing a message showing that I actually care. Almost like I’ve known her for a long time already and we’re catching up again.

Part of that comes from having met so many women and having thought about what makes women tick so much. There is a level of familiarity I have already, almost like a spiritual familiarity; like we’re made for each other.

I’m a man and you’re a women so that in a sense means that we’re already friends, or could be. The way we’re made is like we’re compatible already.

Women Shaping Men

There’s this myth with guys that when a woman shapes you, they try to give you approval that you should not respond to. They think you should act like it’s no big deal. This is only half true.

If she’s trying to shape you to be something that you don’t really think you are, or she’s trying to set a frame where she is the one who calls the shots and she is the one who has the authority over you, you want to ignore it, or just simply say “thanks.” Like you don’t even hear it.

However, when she gives you approval on something that you really value in yourself and sees something about you that you believe is part of your personality, be appreciative. For example, if a woman likes how honest I am, I will be very appreciative of that, and I will definitely show her that I like that she saw that in me. I’m shaping her to appreciate me for the right reasons.

David Deida in his book The Enlightened Sex takes the position that the nature of a woman says she wants you to want her, and the nature of a man says you want her.

It’s two different kinds of energies that interact; man says he wants her, and woman says she wants him to want her. The order goes with the woman saying first, I want you to want me and the man responds with I want you.

If she dances, she’s dancing to make you want her, and then you respond in kind. That’s where you escalate; you take more of an interest, show appreciation. That encourages her dance all the more, and makes that dance much better. That’s the dynamic that you want with women, and you will see that the more you do this, the better your response is, and the better your relationships are.

The less you do this, the more out of control you’ll feel in your relationships, and the more problems you’ll have with women.

Coach her to dance for you, and then reward her, and be paying attention to where she fits in your life, keeping in mind what standards you have, what values you have, what you expect from people, and constantly communicating this to others, so that they know how to treat you.

I:PA*CE is confidence

Creates new beliefs and cognitive and behavioral habits simultaneously – no lag, no incongruence leading to negative feedback. * if backed up -10

– my challenge – new techs without beliefs, then beliefs, with old player habits

I:PA*CE isn’t just vague advice on confidence. I:PA*CE is how to be confident.

Thinking of I:PA*CE will naturally make you confident.

It creates new beliefs and thought patterns simultaneously so there’s no lag or incongruence leading to negative feedback.

You’ve heard the advice “fake it ’til you make it” or “act as if.” Right?

The problem with this is there’s a lag between your external behavior and the actual beliefs you have.

Beliefs are like the lens you see through. Your beliefs define your experience.

Now if you were to rephrase the advice to, “be confident with girls”, you would approach a woman in a way that you think is confident.

Maybe you saw a guy in a movie that you thought was confident and you try to emulate him. But you don’t have the beliefs that form the basis of confidence.

The belief that you’re good enough. That you can handle whatever life throws at you. That people like you. That you’re smart, you’re healthy, you’re able to do what needs to be done.

These are really powerful beliefs that people should have. Believe that you are good looking. Believe that you are sexy.

Gene Simmons talked about this. About how he was always really good with women because he always kinda felt like he was extremely good-looking.

It probably also helped that he was a rockstar, but he had that belief deep down that he was better looking than other guys.

What happens a lot of the time is that there is a lag. What I’ve found personally is that if I start to change one of my beliefs by doing a lot of empowering self talk, the belief will start to change.

Fear Limits Awareness

Think about where you’re weak. Think about what you’re not doing. Your values define you, but so does your fear. Your fear corrals you.

Think about a herd of cows. They get corralled very easily. They’re not aware, they’re told where to go and they just do it coz they’re big dumb animals. Well, in the same way, your life is being corralled by your fear. The circumstances in your life are there because you are acquiescing to your fear.

If your most pressing fear is loneliness, then let me suggest something that may help you.

Maybe it would help for you to be alone on purpose. Take a day or two where you are absolutely alone with no distractions. No TV, no phone, no human interaction, nothing. And get okay with being by yourself – or with yourself.

We say ‘by yourself’ as if it’s like you’re all alone. You’re this singularity amidst an infinite abyss. That’s this horrifying idea, that’s why death scares the shit out of people. Well, what I found helps me out a lot is being friends with myself and being okay with myself.

A lot of times I will joke around with myself. If I’m having a negative thought or something that’s getting me down, I’ll actually tease myself about it.

I’ll say “Yeah Brian, it’s the end of the world, man. You know what, fuck it, just jump off a bridge.” I’ll be really sarcastic with myself and joke around.

It’s almost like we have two selves. We have our true self and then we have this little mind. This little worried monkey in our head. You’ve got to control that monkey.

Something else that helps me is meditating. Go out there on your own and think to yourself yeah, I’m alone. I’m by myself today and that’s okay. Don’t think about anything else, just be in this moment right now and breathe slowly and consciously.

Think to yourself I know there’s a lot you need to do and your mind is real busy right now. But for the next 10 minutes, you don’t have to think about anything. All these concerns and worries, you won’t forget them. They’ll come right back and you’ll be able to handle them, but for the next 10 minutes, you don’t have to worry or think about anything.

Just by saying that, it kind of helps me relax and then I actually will have less thoughts. You’ll still have thoughts pop up in your head but you’ll be able to focus a lot more and step back and watch my thoughts instead of getting engaged in them and controlling them or consciously thinking of new thoughts. It’s almost like I’m watching the stream instead of following it.

Another thing I do is coach myself. This is something I do when I’m in really tough situations. It almost just happens naturally. When I’m in really tough situations or I’m doing something that’s really scary or something that I’m not used to doing – I’ll talk to myself, I’ll coach myself through it.

I’ll say “Okay Brian, this is scary but we gotta pay attention. Stay alert, look around you. Okay, let’s go over here now.”

That happened a couple times when I was in New York when I felt like I was being followed. My own stupid ass coming home from the bar at 4am in Bed-Stuy. I would talk myself through things “Okay, let’s go over here. Okay, cross the street. Okay, looks like everything’s good.”

It’s almost like I have a buddy with me. I have some special ops guy that’s right next to me. But also back in the day when I would go out by myself, dead-sober and approach women – and that was really terrifying for me – I would coach myself through it.

I’d say “Okay, this is going to suck but it’s more important that you get this experience. You gotta do it sometime otherwise you might as well just resign yourself to being alone for the rest of your life. You gotta do this, so let’s go”

This can be reassuring. When I get down on myself, I say “Brian, it’s okay. You’re a human being. You are trying, you are doing your best to get through and sometimes you don’t make the best choices but you make the decision that you think you need to at that moment. You’re really too hard on yourself buddy.”

The way to conquer loneliness is not by fighting it but by accepting it and becoming comfortable being with yourself. It’s just you and that’s okay. You’re friends with yourself.

These exercises definitely help with fear of loneliness. Spending a significant amount of time where you’re not kind of by yourself but you’re totally alone and figuring out how to get comfortable with that is crucial.

Escalate-Her [Getting Numbers]

It is very possible to escalate too fast, or try to do too much at once.

One obvious example is when a guy goes up to a woman and tries to get her number within like three seconds. In this case, you’re actually rewarding her just because she looks cute.

You’re willing to give up your time just based on her looks. That’s the message she’s getting. It’s what pretty much every guys does, and it sucks.

I should also say that a lot of times women will put up with a really shitty escalation because the standards are just so low. Most guys just really suck at this. So, a lot of times the girl will give the guy the benefit of the doubt, depending on how available she is at that time.

Be careful with the amount and the timing. If you ask for her number too soon, you want more than she’s earned. This says that you are less valuable than she is, and she should act like a princess towards you. She should treat you like a lowly peasant.

With your paralanguage, the same thing applies. It’s fine to be a little nervous right off the bat. I usually am. I’m almost always nervous because I only approach women that are beautiful enough to give me that level of butterflies. If I can’t calm down within ten to twenty seconds then that can become a problem. It can worm it’s way into your interactions with her.

Being too nervous sends the same message; that you’re scared of her, that she’s more valuable than you are.

Merge inner-outer game

(Positive feedback loops). ** 10

– I was doing weird shit – tapping, tapes, affirmations, then I’d try to recite lines, undermining my desired beliefs and being good enough

There is talk in pickup and seduction about merging inner and outer game. And the fact of the matter is there’s no real distinction. There’s no such thing as inner or outer game.

I:PA*CE is inner and outer game. Inner game is about how you think. It’s about changing your beliefs. It’s about changing your thought process.

Outer game is your behavior, how you interact with people and how they perceive you.

If you’re only focused on inner game, there will be a lag with your outer game. Only focus on outer game and there will be a lag with your inner game.

If you’re only concentrating on one, you’re actually slowing your progress because that lag will create a negative feedback loop and that negative feedback loop will punish good stuff and encourage bad stuff. You want to be doing both.

I:PA*CE is the merger between inner and outer. It’s how you think but applied right now.

Inner game is you at home by yourself thinking about things. You’re reflecting, you’re doing some sort of affirmation or reading.

But that change is not happening with women in real time. In other words, you’re back in your bedroom trying to think yourself into being a certain way and then three days later you talk to a woman.

You need the inner and outer to be exercised at the same time. So you’re talking to the woman and you’re doing inner game and as you talk to women, your beliefs become stronger.

I’ve heard advice that says, well, you just go out and talk to more girls and you’ll get better at it.

That’s not necessarily true – if you’re getting negative feedback.

I’ve known guys that went out and were always approaching a lot of women and were actually getting worse with women because they were getting negative feedback over and over and over again.

Because of this they were developing really bad beliefs about themselves by talking to women in a way that didn’t lead to positive feedback.

There is a right and a wrong way to learn these things.

See, one thing about me that you have to understand is, I’m a teacher.

More specifically, I’m a success coach. Think of me as a personal trainer for your life.

I’m not just teaching you like a regular elementary school teacher does over the course of the year.

The lessons take forever and there’s no real hurry as long as you graduate the fifth grade or whatever.

As a professional success coach, my job is to accelerate your learning. I want to teach you this fast. I want you to learn things quickly.

A big part of learning is the feedback loop. You need to get positive feedback for good stuff. So as a teacher, I’ve always been really interested in how to create these positive feedback loops.

What i’ve found is that I:PA*CE naturally just does that. There’s nothing else that is better at creating positive feedback loops.

Now the positive feedback loop reinforces good behavior and good beliefs. In other words, it strengthens your outer game and your inner game simultaneously.

This can only work if you’re working on both at the same time. They can’t be disconnected.

If you’re talking to women, there’s inner game going on. There’s beliefs that are changing at that time or being reinforced.

You can’t not be doing inner game. You’re always doing inner game. But you need to do it in a way that creates a positive feedback loop so that you reinforce that good stuff and you speed up your learning process.

True Purpose

Everyone’s purpose is to be their true selves. Your purpose is to be you all the way.

Now what does that mean? Well, our minds best understand things when we break them up so we can focus in on our weak points. Your purpose is to be yourself all the way.

What makes that up? We need to get specific and clearly identify what values you should be focusing on.

Try to come up with three. three is the perfect number for it. three is self supporting. It is the most basic geometric shape outside of a circle. You focus on each individual value and think about where you are weak. Think about how you’re not embodying those values.

With women, you don’t want to think about it like Okay, here’s my life and here’s my purpose and then I have “how to get girls” over here off to the side.

You want to think about how you’re going to embody those values with women and you absolutely have to tie it into sex. That’s a problem that men have is that we don’t see our sexuality as something positive and good, as a way of helping women.

There’s a reason for this. Think about the word fuck. That’s one of the worst things you can do to someone. “Well fuck you.” That’s one of the meanest things you can say. It’s like what we do with our dick is the most awful thing ever. And in some cases it can be.

but in most cases it can make her feel wonderful and bring the two of you closer and make her feel loved. It can make her feel like a beautiful, sexual woman that inspired you.

And she excites you because she’s very much a woman. You should be thinking about how you embody your values in a sexual way as well. With women, it’s really all sex. Conversation is leading in a sexual direction and obviously there’s the physical aspect of leading in a sexual direction.

You really need to start to see your sexuality and physicality – and your dick itself – as a tool for you to express these values. And I know that sounds really strange and not something you would hear most people say, but it’s the truth.

It will actually change your perception. What I’m trying to help you do is get back to who you really are. I’m trying to help you see reality. See the potential that your sexuality has to express who you are as a man.

The way you’re going to do that and really move towards who you want to be is by identifying these values and zeroing in on them, getting really clear on what they are. That doesn’t necessarily mean a specific definition, it means continuing to think about it. Continuing to write them down and explore them. Keep your mind on those values.