We are always communicating to each other with our bodies. Our thoughts and feelings are telegraphed through facial expression, posture, movement, and many other aspects of body language. To be good with women is to be good at flirting.
Because so much of our communication is outside of words – what we say with our bodies – flirting is as much about what you say with your body as with your words, if not more. In this article, I’m going to break down body language, and more specifically flirting body language.
By Brian Burke
The best flirts are men and women who understand that much of what is communicated happens physically. Let me point out some areas of body language so that you may become more aware of your own body language. This is important because when you are aware of your body, you can then use it consciously to send the messages you want to send to others. This awareness is crucial for effective flirting body language.
Imagine saying something neutral to another person, for example, “I ate a sandwich today.”
If you say this with a smile, the person gets the message that the sandwich was good, even though you have not said that verbally yet. Alternatively, you could say it with a frown, and the person infers that the sandwich was bad
Facial expression adds context to your words. Taking this idea a step further, imagine giving someone a compliment, with a smile. They will be pleased. But say it with a frown, and you send the message that you don’t mean the compliment – maybe you are being sarcastic, and actually criticizing the person. They will respond much differently.
There is a wide range of possible expressions between a smile and a frown. We are capable of literally thousands of subtly different facial expressions, and we are also WIRED to perceive these subtle differences. Could you be sending the wrong message when you talk to girls?
Remember, flirting body language starts with the look on your face.
Movement – pace, and space
You probably now realize that body language is a subtle business. Moreso with body movement. For example, if you are moving fast, it could convey that you are nervous, or simply energized and excited.
If you move slow, it could mean you are depressed. It could also mean that you are feeling confident and relaxed. What’s the difference? Your facial expression.
Another part of movement is how much space you occupy. If you sit with your arms and legs spread, as if you own the place, you look confident. But fidgety (fast) hand movements, and a subtley nervous facial expression will give you away as trying to assert confidence to cover up insecurity.
Are you seeing how subtle and complex all this is? Don’t worry, I’ll make it simple later, because you do NOT want to be thinking about all these things when you talk to women. In fact, the less you think, the more relaxed and confident you appear, and this is the foundation of flirting body language.
Posture and positioning
I’m sure you know that having an upright posture sends good messages. But keep in mind that all of these piecse of body language exist in-context. I’ve found that there are times when slumping, leaning, and having your head down are appropriate, and even effective at communicating confidence.
Another part of body language that is extremely subtle is how you position yourself in a room. Men who feel more dominant than other men tend to naturally stand in the center of attention, or at an important vertex in a room. My friend Darren always did this. He would walk into a room, speak to everyone in a calm but loud tone, and occupy the area of the room that was the center of focus.
Obviously, when you stand or sit off to the side, you tell people that you do not feel like you belong or are worth getting attention. This is a low-status cue. An obvious example is when the shy kids in class sat at the back so as not to get called on or noticed.
Flirting body language requires that you don’t hide yourself from others, but also that you don’t fake and try to LOOK confident, because in actuality you will just look insecure to women.
Tonality is usually aligned with facial expression. When it’s not, the effect is actually very off-putting, even scary. Let’s look at the two basic facial expressions – a smile, and a frown. Now imagine smiling but using an angry tonality, while saying “Hi, how are you?” Scary shit!
Now imagine frowning, but using a happy tonality with a frown, and saying this. Eww…nasty! Sarcasm at it’s worst. This will likely make the other person mad, whereas the first example will make them think you want to kill them.
Try to align your tonality with your facial expression. Flirting body language requires many different tonalities, but at any given time, what you say on your face is what you send with your voice tone.
Touch what you do with your hands to communicate what you are thinking in regards to the other person. Touch is a huge part of my interactions with women, and I have a whole teaching system to make students masters of touch. For no, just remember that you want your touch – and part of your body language – aligned so that you are sending one, strong, clear message at a time.
Obviously, if you can touch a woman in a way that makes her feel good, she will begin thinking about you in a sexual way, so this is something you definitely want to get handled if you want to improve your flirting body language.
I’m going to introduce a concept that will become part of your vocabulary as you read more of my stuff.
Remember I said that you want to send one strong, clear message at a time. Think about what kind of message you should send when it comes to flirting body language. If you are talking to a mechanic about an estimate for your car repairs, you should send a message that you are not stupid and that you will not simply agree to whatever number he throws at you. Condensing this into a simple message, you should be saying with your body, “I’m not here to play games,” or “Don’t try to lie to me.”
When you are flirting with a woman, a great message to send is, “Hmm…you have potential, but I’m not sure about you.” As you send this message, ask her questions, tease her, and genuinely appreciate her when she expresses herself authentically.
You can still send this message when you talk about yourself, so that you are basically challenging her to see if she can hang with you.
Flirting is about screening, but often guys are ready to sleep with a woman just because she looks good. They don’t challenge her to find out if there’s more beneath the surface.
When a woman sees that you are screening her, she instantly respects you, which turns her on and motivates her to talk to you more. The way to convey screening? By sending a message: flirting body language says, “I’m not sure about you yet. Show me more.”
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