1. Daygame interview, meeting Cristina
1. Honesty versus “game” and what really works
Women women most strongly to honesty. Seriously. We can talk about confidence, being smooth, having game, etc. Women say they want a man to approach with confidence, and preferably says something funny or witty related to the situation. Well in my experience this is absolutely useless advice because neither are necessary for success.
What works is being honest – authentic, naked, exposed. Saying what’s on your mind without apologizing for it in your paralanguage. If you can think of something clever or witty, cool – bonus points. Not necessary to start a conversation with a hot woman. In fact, wit can’t be forced – it’s something that naturally happens as you become more comfortable and relaxed. The way to get there is to start by being honest. By approaching directly, you grow a bigger set of balls – you are able to tolerate a higher level of social tension, and thus, become acclimated to social situations. Acclimation means you are comfortable at higher and higher levels of pressure.
2. Shifting Gears
Typically when a man approaches a woman, he is already in a sexual state, but she is not. She must shift gears. So this is the first thing to understand about how a woman chooses men is that she needs a moment to get on the same page as I. If I am impatient or pushy, I don’t allow her to shift into a sexual mindset.
I WANT a woman to look at me, size me up, and feel my positive energy before I try to have a conversation with her. I want her to see the passion in my eyes. I want her to see that I’m happy to see her, that I don’t want to hurt her, and that she turns me on. I want send a Message of sexual warmth through my eyes and body.
Women I’ve approached often tell me later that they could feel a positive energy when we first met. I didn’t have that nervous, predatory energy that most guys have. It makes a huge difference in my results because this is the first thing on which a woman chooses a man. If I don’t show a warm, positive, sexual message to a woman I’m approaching, I’m stunting my chances.
My advice to students is to go slow. I try to lock eyes before I open my mouth. If possible, I get into her line of sight before I approach, so that she at least knows I exist. The morecomfortable, yet spontaneous I can make the approach, the better. This means making sure she sees me, approaching slowly, and looking into her eyes with sexual warmth
Selection part 3: Respect
I never hear men talk about the importance of respect when approaching a woman. Of course, I hear women talk about respect, or lack thereof, all the time when it comes to how they want to be approached.
Most guys commit one of two extremes. They are either overly aggressive, oblivious to a woman’s personal space, what she’s doing, and whether or not they are scaring her. Let’s call this Attacking.
On the other end of the spectrum and probably more common, men are not aggressive enough; they are so timid that the woman isn’t even aware that they are interested, or they don’t approach at all. Let’s call this Defending.
But there is a middle ground. Be aggressive, but respectful. Finding this balance requires experience, i.e. lots of failure and mistakes…and trust me, I’ve got plenty of experience! It’s been a rough road, learning to approach women effectively, but it’s been worth it. The journey itself was fun (albeit painfully embarrassing sometimes), and the payoff has been huge.
My friends look on in amazement when I approach the kind of women all the other guys are scared to talk to. Later, they ask me, “I didn’t think you had a chance with that girl! How’d you get her smiling so fast? How the hell did you get her number?”
2. How I started – my early experiences in daygame
I’ve never been a big fan of going out just to pick up women. This creates a feeling of pressure, and is very time-inefficient (and anyone who knows me knows I’m all about efficiency).
If you are finding it difficult to make time to go out and socialize, or you always see women at the grocery store but don’t know what to say, what I’m about to tell you is essential to meeting more women.
One thing you may not know is that women actually fantasize about meeting men at the grocery store. It’s a romantic story that a woman would like to tell her friends.
Think about the difference between:
“I met this guy at the bar. I he came up to me and told me I was hot, so I talked to him and gave him my number because he was cute.”
“So I was at the grocery store, in my sweats, totally in my own world. Then out of nowhere this really sweet guy comes up to me and asked me “What’s for dinner?” It was totally cocky, but he had this really warm smile that just made the whole thing funny. Next thing I knew he was asking for my number. I hope he calls. I’ve never had a guy approach me like that!”
3. Types of openers – street/direct, and focus situational
I work from home, which means I work in café’s. I can’t focus at home. Everytime I tell myself, “OK today I’m going to sit at my desk and write,” it never happens. I end up playing Xbox, browsing the web, or taking naps. So I spend a lot of time at café’s. I’m also girl-crazy (a girl told me that when I was five years old, and I think it describes me pretty well, even today). So I’ve figured out some ways to meet women at café’s. As always, I like to make it easy!
#1 “Work or school?”
If you see a girl with her laptop and notes out, she is likely studying or doing something work-related. Now the challenge here is that you want to show your interest by being curious about her, but you don’t want to be nosy or distract her if she’s really into what she’s doing. 9 times out of 10, simply asking, “work or school?” will get her to look up and answer with a smile.
The key is to say this as you sit down or walk past – don’t walk up to her, stand there, and ask. This would make her nervous because it looks like you are going to take up a lot of her time with your romantic intention. Just break the ice, sit down, and give her some space. When she answers, there are two more questions to ask: “What are you studying/what do you do?” And, “Do you like it/How is that?” This will get her talking, and you’re in.
#2 “What’d you get?”
This is obvious, especially if she gets one of those crazy caramel frappiato mochatocha chonga drinks. Odds are, that’s her favorite drink, or she’s trying something new. Either way, ask her if it’s good. She’ll probably smile and tell you about her drink. The conversation will die, and that’s OK, because it will be ten times easier to reinitiate when you think of something else to talk about (i.e. something else from this list).
#3 “Have you been to (local spot)?”
A café is typically filled with customers from the area. That means that she’s probably been to, or heard about, any bar, restaurant, park, or other attraction in the area. You can ask if she’s been to the new Cuban restaurant down the street, and get her opinion of it. If you have already been, you can still ask her, and then tell her how good it is. Again, this is just another easy way to initiate a conversation without making her uncomfortable, while showing your interest. After this topic, you can easily switch by asking if she’s from the neighborhood, where she grew up, what she does, etc.
#4 Make fun of yourself
Another easy way to start a conversation is by making a statement about yourself. Of course, if you just say something random about yourself, like “I brushed my teeth today,” you will look like a nutjob. But if you crack a joke about yourself, or think aloud about a mistake you made, you will get a laugh, and you’ll look charming. The Irish are very good at this.
For example, let’s say you try to get a drink you’ve never had – a caramel choka monga flippiato with sprinkles. As you sit down, you see a cute college girl at the table next to you. You could say, “I only ordered this because I’m comfortable with my sexuality,” or “I hope this doesn’t make me less of a man. Don’t tell anyone you saw me drinking this.”
#5 I love this place because
Another easy way to start a conversation with a statement is to say something really positive – something that will make the other person smile and feel good as well. Obviously you can give them a compliment, but in a café, being direct like that can sometimes backfire. Talk about what a beautiful day it is (even if it’s snowy, you can talk about how pretty the snow is). Talk about how cool the café is – how you like all the weird decorations and pictures. Say, “I love the coffee here. They make it really dark, which I need. I think if it weren’t for coffee I’d never get anything done.” Going first will make her comfortable reciprocating, and boom, you’re having a conversation. Keep it simple, and say it with a smile!
4. What I’ve learned – overview of approaching
Let’s break this down. First of all, my number one piece of advice for meeting women anywhere is to be really warm. You can ask her any boring question with a really warm, loving expression, and it will come off attractive.
This can be difficult if you are running errands and not really in a great mood. So here’s the trick to get in a warm, positive mood. Let her beauty make you happy! Most guys look at attractive women and get a “wolf look” on their face. This is no good. I’ve had gay guys look at me with the predatory look, and it is NOT flattering. It’s scary!
When you see a cute girl at the grocery store, try saying a mantra in your head, to get you in the mood:
“Wow. What a beeeeautiful woman!” And let your face light up.
So, make sure you have a warm facial expression, and a calm upright posture. Then say something light and flirty – in other words, indicate that you think she’s attractive, but don’t come on too strong. Some examples:
“So what’s for dinner?” This implies you’d like to have dinner with her, showing your interest.
“A cute woman who actually cooks! Cool points for you.”
“I’ll have to come here on (whatever day it is) more often. I never see cute women here.”
“You just might be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen in the produce section.”
You can also try something totally innocent, like asking her if she knows how to boil a lobster, and then transitioning into small talk about eachother’s lives. Here’s an example:
You: “Hey do you know which cut is more tasty – New York strip or Porterhouse?”
Her: “I think porterhouse but I’m not sure.”
You: “Oh ok…I’m having some friends over and I’m in charge of the grill, but to be honest, my grill skills are a little sketchy haha.”
Her: “Haha yea that’s something a guy should know.”
You: “Yeah I’m working on it. I’ll work on my skills and maybe cook something for you.”
Her: “Oh yeah? I don’t even know you!”
You: “Let’s fix that. I’m (your name). So are you from the area?”
In a situation that is not inherently social (i.e. not a bar, club, or class), any kind of conversation you have a with a woman will have a romantic edge to it. The real challenge is to get over your own anxiety. Do this by keeping it simple, showing women you think they are attractive, and having a conversation to learn about who they are as people. This is the natural way, and what works in the real world.
5. What I do now
A woman plays a passive role, assessing a man’s personality silently, watching to see what he does. This means a woman usually won’t be proactive conversationally. You’ll have to be get the ball rolling and build conversational momentum. When I run live training programs, I call to this as Wedging.
Wedging is a simple process, and starts the same way just about every time. Once you’ve initiated the interaction – with a compliment or a simple “Hi,” ask a simple question (SQ). I usually give students a list of SQs, just so they understand the concept and can do it on their own. Here’s a few examples.
“How’s your day/night going?” “What are you up to?” “Where are you from?”
Now these may seem like boring, typical questions. They are. What’s important is what you do after you ask them. She’ll likely give you a short, simple answer. Here’s the important part. Answer your own question, but give the level of detail and emotion that you want to see from her. Demonstrate what you want from her by Expressing yourself (Expression is ‘E’ in the I-PA*CE Leadership Focalities). Essentially you’re jumping into the pool first to show her the water is warm.
5. Pings and Messages
People believe about you what you tell them, or more accurately, what you Message to them.
A woman I approach can’t see my resume, has no letters-of-reference from my past girlfriends, and doesn’t have a copy of my life story. All she knows is that I’m attracted to her, I seem friendly, and I’m relatively sociable. What she doesn’t know, but needs to, is how I perceive myself, so that she knows how to perceive me.
When a woman is approached by a seemingly confident man, she has to quickly decide if he has real potential, or if he’s putting on a confident act. If you approach poorly, messing up the things I’ve talked about (helping her shift gears, being respectful, building conversational momentum), she’ll just reject you.
But if you do well, guess what? She’s going to test you! It seems counter-intuitive. If I do everything right, I’m going to get tested MORE. Why? Because she’s actually thinking about having sex with me, and since sex carries a lot of risk for a woman, she needs to make sure I’m worth it.
How to attract women anywhere
I have a saying that I try to remember on a daily basis. I actually got it from a rap song I heard a while back (credit to Suga Free).
If you stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready
This article is about always being attractive when you leave your house. Now, I’m not necessarily talking about approaching women. Instead, I’m talking about presenting yourself in public in such a way that if you decide to talk to a woman, she will be very receptive to your approach.
First of all, let’s talk about clothes and style. Keep it clean. I can’t stand this fashion trend of stitched-on dragons and skulls and crazy squiggles. A clean, well-fitting t-shirt, and some blue jeans is a great look for any guy. Make sure your jeans are up to date – no Wranglers from 1992. True Religion, Joe’s Jeans, Levi’s, Diesel – these are all great brands. Make sure they fit and don’t have too much extra decoration.
Don’t get too fancy unless you really know what you are doing. Keep your shirts simple and masculine. Get some plaid shirts with colors that look good with your skin tone. Roll up the sleeves. Solid button-downs are much better than fancy stripes or stitched dragons. V-neck t-shirts make your shoulders look broader. Make sure your clothes are clean and unwrinkled.
Get a woman who knows fashion to go shoe-shopping with you. Women always notice a guys shoes (I know, it’s weird). Trust that a woman will know which shoes you should wear, and you’ll be shocked when women give you more attention when you wear what your female friend picked out for you.
A standard for any guy, dressing up, or dressing down, is a stylish, well-fitting jacket. Have a casual jacket for when the weather cools off, and maybe a heavier coat if it gets really cold. This is another thing women really notice.
So let’s recap fashion:
Keep it clean and simple
Pick colors that suit your skin tone, and wear styles that fit your body type
Keep your items up to date, and get help from women whenever possible
Make sure you are groomed. There’s nothing worse than going 3 days without shaving or taking a shower, going to the grocery store in your sweats, and seeing the girl of your dreams in the produce section. You look like crap, you feel like a slob. This will kill your confidence and give you an easy excuse to chicken out.
Keep your facial hair groomed – shave clean or trim your beard. Make sure your haircut is current and sharp. Pluck nose and ear hairs, and make sure you smell clean when you leave your house. Working from home, this is an area I really have to discipline myself.
Lastly, make small talk with strangers as soon as you leave your house. This will keep you warmed up mentally, for social situations. If you are already in the habit of talking to people first thing in the morning, it will be much easier to strike up a conversation with women on your lunch break. And by happy hour, you’ll be on fire!
These are some easy ways to stay ready for meeting women. Get your wardrobe together, keep your body clean and groomed, and stay socially warmed-up. Then you will have no excuses!
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